Stomach Jokes

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge. “I should be in charge”, said the brain, “because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen”. “I should be in charge”, said the blood, “because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you’d all waste away”. “I should be in charge”, said the stomach, “because I process food and give all of you energy”. “I should be…

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1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, “That’s a nice kitty.” Drop the pill in its mouth. 2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp & pill from under sofa. 3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cats front paws down with left hand & back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger.…

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It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetheart, how’d you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?” Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn’t help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to…

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Matt and Lennie’s Do’s and Don’t Do’s… Of University Life: Do – Ask questions when in doubt. Don’t – Call your professor “P. Daddy Spanks”. Do – Bring books to class. Don’t – Bring your pet Tree Frog “Mittens” to class. Do – Buy second hand books. Don’t – Buy home made books out of the back of Slimmy Jakes truck. Do – Form a study group. Don’t – Let the crazy old guy that lives in the dumpster out…

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Believe Them…Or Not AUGUSTA, ME – Four people were injured in a string of bizarre accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick’s first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and,…

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A white lady on a business trip arrived in LA in the heat of the rioting. She was very nervous and distressed about her safety, and the danger she felt, lurked around every corner. After checking in at the front desk she headed to the elevator. Upon arriving at the elevator, there were already 3 black men on it. She quickly debated with herself about the situation. “This is ridiculous, I have nothing to fear from these men, here in…

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SYSTEM: Attention. Alert registered. CENTRAL: Alert? Number One, report! NUMBER ONE: Sir! We’re picking up loud music. CENTRAL: Music? We were just asleep! NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Ears report it’s “The Last Train to Clarksville.” CENTRAL: Good lord, are we being tortured? NUMBER ONE: Sir, Eyes are functional and request instruction. CENTRAL: Tell them to open up and try to find out what is going on. NUMBER ONE: Scope! Okay, I see darkness… darkness… Wait, there’s a woman sleeping there.…

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