Scream Jokes - page 2

Almost Got It

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?” A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”

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The Legend of Zelda

Cohen’s wife Zelda was a real shrew, a nag, a whiner, who made his life a hell on earth. When she died suddenly while screaming at him one morning, he nearly wept with joy. At the funeral, they were carrying her casket to the grave when one of the pallbearers tripped on a big rock, and like dominoes, tripped all the other pallbearers. The casket went careening down the hill where the lid flew open as it crashed into a…

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Make-Believe Ballroom

Cowboy Tex is out on the trail rounding up strays when suddenly his horse rears in terror. Tex draws his six-gun and takes aim at a rattlesnake warming itself in the morning sun. “Hold on, Tex” says the snake, “Don’t shoot. I’m really a genie, and I’ll grant you three wishes if you don’t kill me.” Since Tex and his horse are not within the rattlesnake’s striking range, he decides to take the snake’s offer. “OK,” says Tex. Here’s my…

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A man, A woman, and a watermelon

There is this man sitting a the bar when the most beautiful woman he has ever seen walk in. So he pops two tic-tac and walks over to her. “Lets cut the small talk, so your place or mine?” he says She looks at him and replies “Mine.” So he gets into his car and she gets into her car and the go over to her place. When they get up to her apartment he walks in and sees all…

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Read JokeA man, A woman, and a watermelon

Two questions

Two men are talking and the first one says, “You like riddles or quizzes?” The second guy replies, “Sure!” The first man says, “Well, I have a two-question quiz for you. One question is super easy to answer, while the other one is very difficult. If you answer only ONE question correctly, I will pay you $500. Answer BOTH correctly and you will receive $1,000 from me. Does that interest you?” “Yes!” said the other man. “OK,” continues the first,…

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Job Placement Test

A new assessment exercise… Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement. Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing. If they have taken the table apart…

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Little Red Riding Hood

Red Riding Hood (RRH) is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. “My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf!” says RRH. The wolf jumps up and runs away!!! Further down the road RRH sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. “My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf!” says RRH. Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About another 2 miles down the…

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For you smart people. . . .

These three guys were walking along the beach, chatting it up, when they hear calls for help from two young women caught in the riptide. The first guy comes running up, screaming “I’ll save you!” He jumps in the water, swims out, and comes back with one arm missing. His friends look stunned, so he explains, “Sharks.” The second guy, feeling superior, says, “I’ll go save them!” and jumps in. He comes back and he’s missing a leg. Before either…

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Little Johnny’s First Shower

Little Johnny was getting ready for his bath one night, when he asked his mom if he could take a shower like the grown-ups do. “Alright,” his mom said, “but I’ve got to take it with you, cause you’re too little.” In the shower, Little Johnny pointed to his mother’s chest and said,”What are those, mommy?” “These are my headlights, Johnny.” “Then what is that?” he said pointing down there. “That’s the grass,” said his mother. Johnny thought nothing of…

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Active Supporters

Two elderly, excited women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of lust, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs…”AMEN, BROTHER!” When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, they yelled again…”PREACH IT, REVEREND!” And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying…they jumped to their feet and screamed, “RIGHT ON, BROTHER…TELL IT LIKE IT IS…AMEN!” But when the preacher condemned the sin…

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