old couple

This soldier had been stationed overseas and was fooling around on his wife. She was back home in the states. She found out about it through some anonymous letters.

The soldier gets a package from his wife. He finds inside a batch of homemade cookies and a video tape of his favorite stateside TV shows.

He invites a couple of buddies over to watch the tape. They’re all having a great time eating the cookies and watching episodes of “South Park”.

Right in the middle of one episode, though, the tape cuts to a home video of the soldier’s wife, on her knees, giving the soldier’s best friend oral sex.

After a few seconds, the best friend “does his business” and she turns, on camera, and spits it right into . . . a mixing bowl of cookie dough.

The wife then looks right into the camera and says, “I want a divorce.”

On one spring day there was this eighty-five year old man and eighty year old woman who had just gotten married.

On their way to their honeymoon the old man looks at his new bride and thinks to himself, after all these years he is finally going to get laid again.

When they finally arrive at the hotel the old couple starts to unpack. At that time the wife decides to go the bathroom to freshen up. While she is gone the old man keeps going through his mind on after all these years he is finally going to get laid.

When his wife comes out of the bathroom the old man decides that he should go freshen up as well before going to bed. All this time while he is combing what little hair he has he keep thinking on how after all these years he is finally going to get laid.

As he starts to walk toward the bed he comes to a complete halt. He sees that his new wife is on the bed standing on her head with her legs open. He bends to one side and asks, “Dear, what are you doing?”

The wife replies, “Well, dear I figured if you couldn’t get it up you could just drop it in.”

A Navy Admiral, a Marine General and an Army General were having some drinks at the officer’s club in a major military base. After a few rounds of iced tea, the Navy Admiral boasted, “You know, the Navy has the bravest fighting men ever to serve in the Armed Forces. I can prove it to you all.” Before the others could protest, the Admiral proceeded to phone his headquarter and asked for the best Navy Seal in his command to come to the officers’ club. The Marine General and the Army General also called for their best soldiers to come over to the officers’ club. Within a half an hour’s time, a Navy Seal, an Army Ranger and a Marine commando arrived one after the other at the officers’ club.

After the soldiers had saluted their commanders, the Navy Admiral instructed his man, “This is what I want you to do now… See that 100-feet steep cliff with an eagle’s nest on its top across the sea ?” He pointed through an window facing the sea. “I want you to swim across that shark-infested sea, scale that steep cliff and bring me a couple of bird eggs without a crack.” The Navy Seal said, “Consider it done, sir!”, gave a quick salute and ran outside the officers’ club. He then jumped into the shark-infested sea, swam across the sea fighting off the meanest sharks and proceeded to scale the cliff barehanded to reach the nest. Upon reaching the nest, he had to fight off an angry eagle to get the eggs. Then he returned via the same route and upon reaching the officers’ club, presented two uncracked eggs to the Navy Admiral who was beaming with pride.

The Marine General said, “That’s chicken feed. I will show who’s braver.” Turning to the Marine commando, the general said, “I want you swim across that shark-infested sea to that island just beside the steep cliff, run 4 miles through the jungle towards the highest mountain in the island and bring me two hawk eggs uncracked.” The Marine commando just grunted, gave a quick salute and raced out of the officers’ club. He then jumped into the shark- infested sea towards the island - fighting off hungry sharks along the way. He then raced through 4 miles of treacherous jungle fighting off tigers, wild boars and snakes along the way to reach the highest mountain on the island. He then found the nest of a hawk and proceeded to gather two eggs fighting off the angry hawk. Returning via the same route fighting off the usual predators, the Marine commando then presented two uncracked hawk eggs to the Marine General who was proud of his man’s daring feat.

The Army General then said, “You think that’s brave. Watch this.” Turning to the Army Ranger, he commanded, “I want you to do what the Navy Seal just did, then do what the Marine commando just did and bring back to me a pair of eagle eggs and a pair of hawk eggs with not a crack on these.” The Army Ranger looked at the general, then looked across the sea and looked back at the general. Instead of saying yes, he just shouted at the general, “SCREW YOU, SIR!”, gave a quick salute and walked out of the officers’ club.

The Navy Admiral and the Marine General were both aghast and dumbfounded at such behavior but the Army General just sighed, “That, my friends, is the bravest son-of-a-bitch of a soldier ever to serve in the armed forces!”

This thoroughly modern young couple, more than slightly hung over from last night’s party, were having a mid-afternoon breakfast. What a party that had been! A real swinging affair, no holds barred.

“Darling,” said the husband, “this is … er … slightly embarrassing, but I think I should ask. Was it YOU I made love to in the library last night?”

His wife looked thoughtful for a minute and then said, “About what time?”

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the lady. “We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn’t gone too far when my husband’s mule stumbled.

My husband quietly said, ‘That’s once.’ We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, ‘That’s twice.’ We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him.

I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said, ‘That’s once.’”