New girlfriend Jokes - page 2

Mayonnaise

This is the of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is about 5 or 6. One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunkbeds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the top. As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy,…

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Resumania

“Resumania” is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting’s parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates’ resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here’s some examples: “I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise.” (And an eye on the “e” section of the dictionary, evidently.) “Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.”…

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10 things women will NEVER understand about Men:

Men are a misunderstood lot, which all in all is probably for the best. Women are better off not knowing that we eat with our hands the minute they leave the room or that we use their nail clippers to trim our nose hair. Better for them, better for us. Still, it’s annoying that women spend more time and money trying to understand the minds of cats than they do, wondering about what makes men tick. Which is why they’ll…

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Read Joke10 things women will NEVER understand about Men:

10 things Women won’t say, but Men would love to hear

10. You know, I’ve been complaining a lot lately. I don’t blame you for ignoring me. 9. The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on Friday. 8. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they’ll still cover. 7. Bar food again?? Kick ass!! 6. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has…

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Desperately seeking technical support

Desperately seeking technical support: I’m currently running the latest version of Girlfriend 5.0 and having some problems. I’ve been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 for years as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won’t crash if you minimize Girlfriend with the sound off, but since I can’t find the switch to turn it off, I just run them separately and it works OK. Girlfriend also seems to…

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On a BAD day…

On one BAD day, 1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale. 2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his…

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Armageddon Virus Alert!

If you receive and e-mail with a subject line of “Armageddon”, delete it immediately without ever reading it. This is the most dangerous e-mail virus the earth has ever seen. It will re-write your hard drive in Braille. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator’s coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and low-fat milk curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit…

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Can It Get More Embarrassing Than This?

The following are two of the top three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest: “While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said…

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Fall TV Schedule

Thursday’s Schedule for the new Fall Television season: NBC 8:00 Friends 8:30 Girlfriends 9:00 One Guy with Several Female Friends 9:30 My Gay Friends FOX 8:00 Real Humans in Real Pain 8:30 Feral Dingoes Eating Children on Tape 9:00 Jiggle It Beach 9:30 LA Chicks 10:00 Beverly Hills 90210: The 90,210th Episode UPN 8:00 The Unwatchables 8:30 Voyage To The Bottom Of The Ratings 9:00 Theoretically Existing Show 9:30 Praying For Syndication 10:00 The Last Thing You’d Ever Want To…

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In Your Dreams, Buddy

THE PERFECT WOMAN 1. I wanna swallow it all…I love the taste. 2. Are you sure you’ve had enough to drink? 3. I’m bored. Wanna shave my pussy? 4. Shouldn’t you be down at the bar with your buddies? 5. That was a great fart. Do another. 6. I’ve decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. 7. You’re soooo sexy when you’re hungover. 8. I’d rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping. 9. Let’s subscribe…

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