New apartment Jokes

new friend!!

A man and woman went on a holiday to Spain together. They got an apartment just by the beach, but it had one problem. Everyday, a skunk would turn up outside the door of the apartment. The couple hated the skunk at first but by the end of the holiday they had grown attached to it. The man suddenly came up with the idea to take the skunk home. He asked his girlfriend about this. “We won’t be able to…

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Talking Clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. “What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked. “That is my talking clock,” the man replied. “How does it work?” the friend asked. “Watch,” the man said. Then he proceeded to give the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, “KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It’s…

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Pete & Larry

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally, Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. “I got a wife and three kids and I’d love to have you visit us.” “Great. Where do you live?” “Here’s the address. And there’s plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front…

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Guano-Gate: Rome Woman Banned as Neighbors Drown in ‘Hitchcockian Pigeon Hell’

? Breaking News from the Eternal City! A Rome woman has been officially banned from feeding her feathered friends after neighbours declared their apartment block a literal ‘Hitchcockian pigeon hell.’ Talk about taking ‘going to the birds’ a bit too far! ? Rome’s mayor, no doubt accustomed to dealing with ancient ruins and traffic, has now had to step in to stop the avian apocalypse. Furious residents claimed they were quite literally drowning in feathers and guano (that’s fancy bird…

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Bigger Breasts at Any Cost

Once there was this woman who was, sad to say, very flat chested. Year after year of seeing beautiful, large-breasted women walking away with handsome guys finally got the best of her. She decided that she would have large tits at any cost. At first she went to a breast treatment center and asked for larger breasts. After several weeks, despite all the injections and fillers they had given her, her breasts were no larger. She despaired. She went everywhere,…

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Business is Business

A lovely young Jewish girl was employed by a clothing firm in New York. She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition: marriage to a wealthy man. One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying. As soon as she entered the apartment she called, “MAMA, I’m pregnant! Don’t get excited. The father is my boss.” She began to sob uncontrollably while her mother tried to console her. The next morning, the mother charged into the office of…

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The 25 Things I’ve Learned In Life…

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. 2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time. 3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor. 4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment. 5. You should never say…

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Don’t Plan Too Far Ahead

Approaching 85 years of age, Mrs. Lipkowitz finally decided it was time to give up her apartment in New York City and move to Miami. She was given the name of a Florida Realtor, who enthusiastically drove her all over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at. “And this one, what a steal,” he rhapsodized, “the investment of a lifetime! Why, in ten years, it’s gonna be worth three times . . . .” “Sonny,” interrupted Mrs.…

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LOVE Dress

Two days after her daughter Mary’s marriage to Tom, Mrs. Robinson decided to pay Mary a visit to see how the newly-weds were doing. When she knocked on the door to Mary’s apartment unit, Mrs. Robinson was so shocked to see her daughter opening the door in her birthday suit that she demanded, “What are you doing walking around the house naked, Mary?” Mary replied, “Oh Mom! This is my LOVE dress. This drives Tom crazy with desire!” “Well, I…

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If It Weren’t For The Movies

Things You’d Never Know If It Weren’t For The Movies: Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed. One of a pair of identical twins is evil. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one. It doesn’t matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one…

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