Living room Jokes

Courtroom quotes :)

Unbelievable, but these are from a book called “Disorder in the Court.” These are things people actually said in court, word for word: Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. ————————————————— Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ————————————————— Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your…

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Making a Living

A man comes home from work to find his wife in the bedroom, packing her suitcase. “What the hell are you doing?” he asks. “I’m leaving’ you for a better life,” she replies. “Where do you think you’re going?” he asks. “I’m going to Las Vegas,” she answers. “I hear they pay $400 for a blowjob there.” The man thinks for a minute, then gets his suitcase out and starts packing, too. “What the hell are YOU doing?” his wife…

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the clock room

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It?s a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says, ?I?m not very busy today, why don?t you let me show you around?? The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.…

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The Painter

An optometrist operates on a hippie painter’s girlfriend and saves her eyesight. The hippie painter is so grateful that he goes to the doctor’s house one day, while the doctor has office hours, goes inside and paints a huge eye on an entire wall of the living room, leaving the fireplace as the pupil of the eye. He’s just finishing up when the doctor walks in. He says to the doctor, “Well, do you like it man?” The doctor says,…

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On the Floor

Dan went to his friend’s house, unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, “You can either sleep on the floor in the living room or you can sleep in the room with Baby.” Dan said that he would prefer the floor. The next morning, he went to the bathroom, and there he met this gorgeous young blonde. “Hi,” he said, “who are you?”…

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The 12 days of christmas

Miss Agnes McHolstein 69 Cash Ave. Beaver Valley, CO Dec. 14, 1986 My Darling, I went to the door today and the postman delivered a “partridge in a pear tree”. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised. You’re an angel. With all my love and devotion, Agnes Miss Agnes McHolstein Dec. 15, 1986 Darling, Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine “Two turtle doves”. I’m delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are…

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Green Side Up

One day there was a lady who wanted to have her wallpaper put up. She didn’t feel like learning how, so she hired a contractor. The contractor came out for the estimate, and she told him that she wanted red in the living room. The man wrote it down and yelled out of an open window “GREEN SIDE UP!”. The lady was a bit shocked, needless to say. She thought the man was a little peculiar. The dining room was…

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Little Red Mouse

One day a boy came home from school with a problem. His dick was too big. He said to his mother, “Mom, my dick’s too big, what should I do?” She replied, “Ask your father about that.” So, the boy entered the living room and said to his father, “Dad, my dick’s too big, what should I do?” He answered, “Paint it red and call it your Little Red Mouse.” The boy did as he was told and went to…

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Dickhead

A young boy walked into the living room and saw his dad sitting on the couch drinking a beer. The boy asked, “Dad, can I have a beer?” The dad replied, “Well, can you touch your dick to your ass?” The boy answered, “Well, no.” “Then you can’t have one.” the dad said. The next day, the boy walked into the living room again and saw his dad sitting on the couch smoking a cigarette. The boy asked, “Dad, can…

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Surd Special

A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife is hard of hearing. The doctor suggests that he bring her in for an examination, but the man says she won’t come in. Man asks the doctor if there is something he can do. The doctor tells him to go home, and say something to his wife from far away, then keep moving closer until she hears him. When he discovers how close he needs to be for his…

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