Liquor Jokes

Spiritous Liquors

A deputation of concerned women came to Winston Churchill in order to protest his overconsumption of spiritous liquors. They said, “Mr. Churchill, if all the spirits you have drunk in your life were poured into this room, they would fill it to here.” Churchill regarded the imaginary line they had traced on the wall, and his eyes then went up to the ceiling, and he sighed, “So much to do, so little done.”

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A thought for today….

If you can start the day without caffeine, If you can get going without pep pills, If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches & pains, If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles, If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it, If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time, If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on…

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bum ass

This gay guy was coming home from the bar one night and couldn’t score. As he was walking home, he saw a drunk bum passed out on a bench. He thought, “Hmm, better than nothing.” So he did his business and left the guy a $5.00 bill. The next morning when the bum woke up he found the $5.00 bill and went to the liquor store and said, “Give me a $5.00 bottle.” The next night the guy and a…

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Loose Lips

What is the difference between a drunken sailor and Monica Lewinsky? One is a seaman who can’t hold his liquor the other is a licker who can’t hold her semen.

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Last Day Of Kindergarten

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, “I bet I know what it is – It’s some flowers!” “That’s right!” shouted the little boy. Then candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher a gift. She shook it and said, “I bet I know what it is – It’s a box of candy!” “That’s right!” shouted the little…

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Elvis Returns

Father O’Malley has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married, and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So he decides to go to the United States before he is too old to enjoy it. He hops on a plane bound for Nevada. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, “ELVIS!…

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Why Cucumbers are Better than Men

The average cucumber is at least six inches long Cucumbers stay hard for a week A Cucumber won’t tell you that size doesn’t count Cucumbers don’t get too excited A Cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety Cucumbers are easy to pick up You can fondle Cucumbers in the supermarket…and you know how firm it is before you take one home Cucumbers can get away any weekend With a Cucumber you can get a single room…and you won’t have to check…

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