Jerk Jokes - page 2

A F**kin’ Good Time

A soldier, filled with obvious triumph, returned from his twenty-four hour pass and was besieged by his buddies who wanted to know, in detail, how he had made out. The soldier, nothing loath, said gleefully, “What a piece of fuckin’ luck I had. I hadn’t been off camp more than half an hour when I met this fuckin’ broad and she was STACKED! We got to talking and I took her out for some fuckin’ hamburgers. Then we went to…

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HIS and HERS Road Trip

HERS: 1. Pulls off at wrong exit. 2. Opens window 3. Asks directions of a knowledgeable police officer 4. Arrives at destination presently. HIS: 1. Pulls off at wrong exit absolutely positive it’s the correct one. 2. Drives five miles into wilderness, still thinks he’s right. 3. Drives an extra 5 miles just in case. 4. finally rolls down window 5. hocks a loogie 6. pulls up to a 7-11 7. gets three hot-dogs, a large slurpee, and beef jerky…

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Ballad of Bill

(Sing to the tune of “The Beverly Hillbillies”) Well, dere once was a story ’bout a man named Bill; Da poor president couldn’t keep his willie still; Den one day he was workin’ at his desk, When in walks Monica and shows da boy her chest … Boobs, that is. Two of ’em. Bodacious ta ta’s. Well da next thing ya know, Monica is on her knees, Mouth open wide and as happy as you please; Bill sez, “oh yeah…

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Is Bill Gay?

Al Gore comes home from work one day and says to Tipper. Did you know that Bill is gay? She says how do you know that? Al says, “I was in the White House urinal today standing next to him and he was jerking off.” Tipper says, “That doesn’t mean he’s gay.” Al says, “I think it does ’cause he was using my dick!!!”

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The Falcons

A really mean farmer from Georgia had just died, and he had just entered Hell. The devil sensed that he was a real jerk so he decided to torture him a bit. “Okay, Mr. Farmer… I’m gonna let you sit here in this room for a while all by yourself. So, see ya!” The devil said and left the room. He turned the tempurature up to about 100 degrees. The next day the Devil came in to the room and…

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Redneck Nativity Scene

In a small Southern town, there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed the great skill and talent which had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me, however. The three wise men were all wearing firemen’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a “Quik Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You darn Yankees…

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‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE IMPEACHMENT

‘TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE IMPEACHMENT December 17, 1998 ‘Twas The Night Before Impeachment, when all through the House, All the Congress was stirring, even Conyers, the louse. The Articles were hung by the Capitol with care, In hopes that Saint Bubba would be trapped in the lair. The Republicans were nestled, all smug with The Feds, While visions of perjury danced in their heads. And Barr with his rhetoric and Hyde with his trap, Had just settled in for a…

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Little Johnny’s new trick

Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. The father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself… television, ice cream, homework, video games… but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held. The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point,…

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Santa’s Bitter

T’was the night before Chrismas – Old Santa was pissed He cussed out the elves and threw down his list Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks I have good mind to scap the whole works I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year Instead of “Thanks Santa” – whad do i hear The old lady bitches cause I work late at night The elves want more money – The reindeer all fight Rudoph got drunk and goosed all the…

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