Husband and wife Jokes

Husband and Wife conversation

Husband- We really got to get rid of it.It’s old and smelly. Wife- Yah,it takes up a lot of room in the house and it’s scaring the kids. Husband- So its settled were getting rid of it. Wife- Yup. Husband- I’ll go get the car ready,you go get it. Wife- Grandpa get ready were going for a ride!!!!!

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A Wife and a Mistress

Feeling a bit paranoid, a rich businessman decided to test the fidelity of his wife and his mistress by putting them both on the same cruise ship vacation in the Caribbean. He booked two adjacent rooms for the two women and then begged off from accompanying them because of business concerns. Once the cruise trip ended, he would question his wife and his mistress separately on each other’s behavior during the cruise without letting on about their relationship with him.…

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Frazzled Housewife

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. “How are you, darling?” it said. “What kind of a day are you having?” “Oh, Mother,” said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, “I’ve had such a bad day. The baby won’t eat, and the washing machine broke down. I haven’t had a chance to go shopping; and, besides, I’ve just sprained my ankle, and I have to hobble…

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Actual quotes from the witness stand:

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: How old is your son-the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He…

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panties and boxers

A man and women get into their hotel room in which they will stay for their honey moon. The man looks at his wife, drops his pants, and throws his boxers at her. Man – “Put those on!” Woman – “I can’t wear these!” Man – “That’s right…and don’t you forget!” The woman slips off her silk panties and throws them at her husband. Woman – “Put on those!” Man holds up the skimpy little panties…and says Man – “I…

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Leftovers & Hand-Me-Downs

A wife, arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as the wife was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: “Before you leave, I want you to hear how all this came about. “Driving home along the highway, I saw this young woman looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast…

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My Wife

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks her what she’s doing and she replies, “I went to the doctor today and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old.” “Oh yeah?” the husband says, “What did he say about your 50 year old ass?” “Frankly dear, your name didn’t come up in the conversation.”

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Finding the Wife

A couple went shopping at the mall. They decided to go their separate ways when the husband realized his wife was gone for several hours and didn’t meet him at their appointed meeting place. Tired of looking for her, he decided to sit by a beautiful blonde on the mall bench. He smiled and offered to light her cigarette and said, “Talk to me…Quick!!!” She said, “Why?” “Because everytime I am talking to a beautiful woman, my wife appears!”

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