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“Dear Dad,” read the young soldier’s first letter home. “I cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday I shot a polar bear….” Several months later came another letter. “Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday I danced with a hula girl….” Two weeks later came yet another note: “Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday the doctor told me I should have danced with the polar bear and shot…

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By: Matt Ravlich 10. last night I got temporary amnesia and I totally forgot! 9. My older sister couldn’t find her same homework from last year. 8. The dog did it for me, but it was in his language. 7. The paper airplane I made out of it accidental flew out the window. 6. I fell asleep on it and when I woke up all my drool smudged all the ink. 5. It is here it’s just in invisible ink!…

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One day a father asked his oldest son Jim to help his youngest son Tom with his math homework. After an hour, Jim got frustrated and yelled, “Dad, get in here!”. “What’s the problem?” asked the father. “Tom doesn’t know math! Ask him a question”. “Tom, what’s 2×2?” “6” replied Tom. “See, I told you.” “Now don’t be be so hard on him Jimmy, he only missed it by one!”

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10. I ran out of toilet paper damnit! 9. I was flashed by the MiB and they took it, honest. 8. Clinton needed a speech for losing against Iran. 7. I lit my fart on fire and my homework got in the way. 6. Your pet humped it and I ain’t touching that. 5. My mom and dad were having sex, I had to watch. 4. Showgirls was on. 3. I had nothing to do and I ain’t doing homework.…

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Dear Mom and Dad: It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in nothaving written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before youread on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY! Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when…

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“Now son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for Daddies, and kids with fake IDs.” “Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.” “Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘sir’ without adding, ‘You’re making a scene!’” “Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.” “If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now…

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Parents are embarrassing, Take my dad. Every time a friend comes to stay the night, he does something that makes my face go red. Now don’t get me wrong. He is a terrific dad. I love him but sometimes I think he will never grow up. He loves playing practical jokes. This behavior first started one night when Anna came to sleep over. Unknown to me, dad sneaks into my room and puts Doona, our cat, on the spare bed.…

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Several years ago, I returned home from a business trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 AM, I found my two children in bed with my wife, Stacey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the kids, explaining that it was “OK” to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad,…

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