having a great time

This soldier had been stationed overseas and was fooling around on his wife. She was back home in the states. She found out about it through some anonymous letters.

The soldier gets a package from his wife. He finds inside a batch of homemade cookies and a video tape of his favorite stateside TV shows.

He invites a couple of buddies over to watch the tape. They’re all having a great time eating the cookies and watching episodes of “South Park”.

Right in the middle of one episode, though, the tape cuts to a home video of the soldier’s wife, on her knees, giving the soldier’s best friend oral sex.

After a few seconds, the best friend “does his business” and she turns, on camera, and spits it right into . . . a mixing bowl of cookie dough.

The wife then looks right into the camera and says, “I want a divorce.”

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband’s best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they’re just lying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation. She is speaking in a cheery voice:

“Hello? Oh, hi. I’m so glad that you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye, bye.”

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?”

“Oh,” she replies, “that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly, he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, “Wouldn’t it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?” He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.

At seven o’clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, “Oh no! My wife’s dinner party!” He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs.

The door opened just then, with his very angry wife standing in the doorway, wondering where he’s been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails, and said, “Come on guys, we’re almost there!”

Two hillbillies are having the lunch special at the local diner when they hear an awful choking sound. They turn around to see a woman turning blue from wolfing down a Possumburger too fast. Jethro says to Wilbur, “Think we oughta help?”

“Yep” says Wilbur, who walks over to the lady and says, “Kin you breathe?” She shakes her head no.

“Kin you talk?” he asks, and again she shakes her head.

With that, he grabs her ankles and flips her upside down, while Wilbur pushes her panties aside and begins licking her butt.

The woman is so shocked, she coughs up the wedged burger and gratefully begins to breathe again.

Jethro pats Wilbur on the back and says, “Ain’t it great how that there Hind Lick Manuver works ever time.”

Not likely to find these cards at your local Hallmark store….

“Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.”

“How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?”

“I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”

“I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you.”

“Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder:
What the heck was I thinking?”

“As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you’re not here to ruin it for me.”

“If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it’s your sister.”

“As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me. Like the need for therapy…”

“Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!”

“Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You’ll probably need it again.”

“Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.”

“Sorry things didn’t work out, but I can’t handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine.”

“Happy Birthday! You look great for your age…Almost Lifelike!

“When we were together, you always said you’d die for me.
Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”

“I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.
So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”

“We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits.”

“I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re here.”

“Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?”

“You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…. I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”

“Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday
—so we’re having you put to sleep.”

“Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!” (available only in Arkansas)