Gum Jokes

THE GUMWRAPPER

There was a dumb blonde, a smart blonde, a tooth fairy, and Santa Claus. They were walking down the sidewalk, and saw a 10 dollar bill laying on the ground. WHO PICKED IT UP??? No one, why?? Because Santa Claus and the tooth fairy don’t exist. There is no such thing as a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gumwrapper!

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Historical Argument

A man complains to a friend “I can’t take it anymore.” “What’s wrong?” his concerned friend asks. “It’s my wife. Every time we have an argument she gets historical!” “You mean ‘hysterical’,” his friend said, chuckling. “No, I mean HISTORICAL,” the man insists. “Every argument we have, she’ll go, “I still remember that time when you . . . .”

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Checkout Line Argument

In a checkout line the other day, this couple was arguing about whose turn it was to pay. The clerk was kind of half listening until she heard the lady say to the guy, “Stop being a scrote.” With a furrowed brow, the clerk asked, “What is a scrote?” Without missing a beat, the lady responded, “Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole.”

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Drunken Argument

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, “What a beautiful night. Look at that moon!” The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. “You are wrong. That’s not the moon; that”s the sun!” Both continued arguing for awhile when they came upon another drunk walking along. So they stopped him and said, “Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that’s shining. Is it…

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The Marriage Counselor

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other’s throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor’s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. “What seems to be the problem?” Immediately, the husband held his long face down without…

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Baseball in the Great Beyond

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys. “Very well,” said the gatekeeper of Heaven. But you realize, I hope, that we’ve got all the good players and the best coaches. “I know, and that’s all right,” Satan answered, unperturbed. “We’ve got all the umpires.”

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the last word

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede thier position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the husband replied, “inlaws.”

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Any Relations?

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede his position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, “Are they relatives of yours?” “Yes,” his wife replied. “I married into the family.”

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Got it in Writing

Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife’s bedside table that said, “Wake me at six.” An exasperated Mr. Smith woke at ten the next morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table: “It’s six, you bum! Get out of bed!”

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