Good friend Jokes

Good advice for those that are married/engaged/whipped…

*************************************** IT IS SATURDAY, a crisp Winter’s afternoon, and you’re exactly where you should be: stretched out on the sofa in front of a televised sporting event, opening beer number two, relaxed in the knowledge that the pizza you ordered is even now on its way. Nothing could improve this moment, except maybe a bigger television. Suddenly your wife enters the room and says, “What exactly do you think you’re doing?” Is this a trick question? Yes, it is. The…

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A F**kin’ Good Time

A soldier, filled with obvious triumph, returned from his twenty-four hour pass and was besieged by his buddies who wanted to know, in detail, how he had made out. The soldier, nothing loath, said gleefully, “What a piece of fuckin’ luck I had. I hadn’t been off camp more than half an hour when I met this fuckin’ broad and she was STACKED! We got to talking and I took her out for some fuckin’ hamburgers. Then we went to…

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Do’s and Don’t Do’s For Making Friends.

Matt And Lennie’s Do’s and Don’t Do’s… For making friends: DO – Show off your talents. DON’T – Shove a harmonica up your butt and play the national anthem. DO – Tell them about your interest in arts and film. DON’T – Tell them about your vast child porn collection. DO – Share your ideas. DON’T – Share your plan to pull down their pants in public and set their face on fire. DO – Help them with their problems.…

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think good thoughts

2 good friends died in car accident and went to heaven. They were 2 good men so God gave them 2 pairs of angel wings so that they can fly around just like others. Before take off, God told them “Do not think of something nasty, if you do, you wings will break off!”. The 2 friends happily went off to tour heaven. On their way, there was a group of beautiful angels flying near by, one of the friend…

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A Good Scare

My friend, George, an ex-Marine Aviator, wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightening crashing all around us. We lost the radio and instrument capabilities. As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, “DANG!!” Fearing the worst, I asked, “What’s wrong now?” George replied, “I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me.”

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3 Ministers and their wives

Three ministers and their wives took a vacation together. On the way they were involved in a car crash which killed all six. Upon arriving at the gates of Heaven the first minister walked straight up to Peter and said, “I, my friend have dedicated my life to all that is good. Surely I can enter.” Peter explained, “You, my friend, had such a lust of money, that you would not marry untill you met your wife, Penny. You do…

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Cards NOT made by Hallmark

Not likely to find these cards at your local Hallmark store…. “Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.” “How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?” “I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.” “I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you.” “Looking back over the years that we’ve been…

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The Recovered Sofa

Maybe you can assist me with a problem which I’m having with a friend. She owns a used furniture store, and a few weeks ago the store was burglarized. The only thing taken was a big, beautiful, high-back fabric sofa, valued at over $1,000. My friend was devastated, as it was the finest used item in the entire store. Police speculate that it was the only item stolen, simply because the thieves were not able to carry anything else out…

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Golf Joke

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar, but he didn’t have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one. “I sure do,” he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12-inch Bic lighter. “Wow!” said his friend, “where did you get that monster?” “I got it from my genie.” “You have a genie?” he asked. “Yes, he’s right here in my golf bag.” “Could I see him?” He opens…

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