Flying plane Jokes

Three men are on an airplane, flying over the ocean. The aircraft is in trouble, and the captain soon comes on over the intercom and says, “Folks, we’re having some serious problems here. I want everyone to assume crash position.” The first guy, after hearing this, he stands up and starts taking off all his clothes. His two friends see this, and say, “Hey! What are you doing that for?” and the man replies, “I’m not a very good swimmer,…

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I will be flying tomorrow, so let’s take a look at these RULES OF THE AIRWAYS: Takeoff’s are optional. Landings are MANDATORY. Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous. Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky. The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire. Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. LANDING is the first! Everyone knows a “good” landing is one from which you…

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“Stewardess!” “Yes, Sir?” “I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get the same seat. I can never see the in-flight movie from here, and there are no window blinds, so I can’t sleep for all that glare.” “Captain, kindly hush your mouth and just land the plane!”

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A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat. He looks up and notices the most beautiful women he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is so nervous, and he soon realizes that she is walking down the aisle toward him. When she takes the seat next to him, he is anxious to begin a conversation with her. He asks, “Where are you flying to today?” She responds, “To the annual nymphomaniac convention in Chicago.” He is CRAZED…

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Peter was going on his first flight and he was so nervous about flying that the stewartess had to ask the pilot to talk to him to calm him down. “Look, Pete” the pilot said, “there’s really nothing to be worried about, this is the safest plane in the sky!” “Really?” Peter said with a gleam of hope in his eyes. “Yeah, so just relax, lay back, have a few drinks, get drunk and pass out, and the flight will…

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A Colonel, a General, and an Admiral were discussing which military branch had the most balls. The Colonel took the General and Admiral to one of his Air Force bases and told one of the airmen there to jump from a flying plane at 30,000 feet. With a quick salute, the airman did as he was told. He went up in the plane and jumped without a parachute at 30,000 feet and splattered all over the place. The Colonel said…

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A businessman was flying over Chicago in his small airplane when suddenly the engine stopped. He reached behind the seat, grabbed his parachute and bailed out of the plane. On the way down to earth he met a woman wearing an apron going up. He shouted to her, “Hey lady, do you know anything about parachutes?” She replied, “No sir, do you know anything about gas stoves?”

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Jose lived in San Juan, and all he ever wanted was to see a baseball game in Yankee Stadium. Jose loved baseball; and, most of all, he loved the Yankees. He worked and saved and, at long last, bought a ticket, took a plane; but when he got to Yankee Stadium, it was all sold out. Not a seat was to be had. Jose pleaded so much that he touched the heart of the ticket office people, and they found…

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Pilots flying heavy iron are sometimes known for their lighthearted jibes at pilots of smaller aircraft. One day at Toronto’s Pearson International Airport, an A-340 was in line for departure behind a Fokker F-28, an aircraft that has a tail that splits to act as a large speedbrake. The Airbus captain was heard on the radio, making some comment about the “cute little plane” in front of him and boasting about the brand new jumbo he was flying. In response,…

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