Laugh for Fun - Funny, Blonde, Dirty, Women, Yo Mama Jokes
Laugh for Fun - Funny, Blonde, Dirty, Women, Yo Mama Jokes
An optometrist operates on a hippie painter’s girlfriend and saves her eyesight. The hippie painter is so grateful that he goes to the doctor’s house one day, while the doctor has office hours, goes inside and paints a huge eye on an entire wall of the living room, leaving the fireplace as the pupil of the eye. He’s just finishing up when the doctor walks in. He says to the doctor, “Well, do you like it man?” The doctor says,…
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Two crusty old war veterans, sitting in front of the fireplace at the retirement home: “Dave, it seems so long since I last made love to a woman. How long has it been for you?” “Nineteen forty-five,” says Dave solemnly. “Hell, that’s a long time!” exclaims, Jim. “Not really,” says Dave, puzzled. “It’s only twenty-thirty now.”
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I think Santa Claus is a woman…. I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he’s a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For starters, the vast majority of men don’t even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It’s as if they are all frozen in some kind of ebenezerian Time…
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1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the fountain. 2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big. 3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack. 4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents. 5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream ‘MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!’ 6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD…
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X-FILE CASE #1224 ================ 57 ELM STREET BETHLEHEM, PA. 11:51 P.M., DECEMBER 24TH Mulder: Scully! We’re too late! It’s already been here. Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you’re doing. Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into a shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care. Scully: You really think someone’s been here? Mulder: Someone … or something. Scully: Mulder, over here — it’s a fruitcake.…
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A man was in an Australian pub bragging about his dog and how it will only obey his commands and nobody elses. One man said, “What’s your dog’s name?.” “Jake,” said the owner. The man said, “I bet you one hundred dollars and twelve pitchers of beer that I can make your dog do what I tell it to.” “Ok, you’re on!” said the owner, and they shook hands on the deal. The man picked up the dog and threw…
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A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a farmer’s field. The farmer took the pilot back to the farmhouse, where the pilot noticed the farmer had a golden fiddle hanging above the fireplace. The two men were standing there talking when the farmers wife came down the steps. The pilot couldn’t believe how beautiful she was. He asked the farmer, “How can you trust her to be here by herself all day, while you go out and…
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A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” His son replied, “And when Lincoln was YOUR age, he was President of the United States.” Grounded!!!!!!!
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?Twas the Night Before Christmas 60’s style ?Twas the night before Christmas And all through the house Things were real mellow Even Irving the mouse Our boots were hung up The incense was lit In the hopes that St. Nick Would soon do his bit The tree was decked out It was really a sight With love beads and flowers And a flashing strobe light Wearing my T-shirt From the Woodstock Nation I was getting into Some good meditation And…
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As you know, I have been delivering presents to good boys and girls for several centuries, but after bypass surgery last Spring, I feel that I can no longer visit every home on earth in the early hours of Christmas morning. Accordingly, I have asked a distant cousin on my father’s side if he would assume some of my responsibilities by visiting the homes in the southern USA, as he is from the deep South himself…actually the South Pole. His…
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