finished product

Jerry was hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he was excited. He was especially thrilled because he got to take two long solos. After the sessions, which went great, Jerry couldn’t wait to see the finished product. He asked the producer where and when he could catch the film.

A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a porno flick that would be out in a month, and he told Jerry where he could go to see it.

A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, went to the theatre where the picture was playing. He walked in and sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seemed to be disguised and hiding. The movie started, and it was the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever…group sex, S&M, golden showers…and then, halfway through, a dog got in on the action.

Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women, in every orifice; and most of the men. Embarrassed, Jerry turned to the old couple and whispered, “I’m only here for the music.”

The woman turned to Jerry and whispered back, “That’s okay, we’re just here to see our dog.”

You receive a $300 bill from your tree surgeon and you live in an apartment.

The plumber tells you it would be cheaper to install a diving board than to drain the cellar.

You bear a striking resemblance to this week’s prime suspect on America’s Most Wanted.

The Dialing for Dollars host quizzes you about the only John Wayne film you haven’t seen.

Your heart medication has been replaced with sugar pills and a note that says “April fools!”

You read that the author who developed your current diet just died of malnutrition.

You wake up to discover that your carpet and wallpaper has been replaced by tufted upholstery and iron bars.

The morning news reveals that your home wasn’t built on a toxic waste site…because they can’t store toxic waste on a native burial ground.

You’re being laid off to make room for the new person you just finished training.

The morning newspaper feels oily and your kippers taste like ink.

Your breakfast cereal makes its own gravy.

You sleep in and dream of being a private eye…the “gorgeous blonde with the problem” turns out to be Lassie.

You brush your teeth with Ben-Gay.

Your clothes smell like baby shampoo and your hair is remarkably free from static cling.

The company’s monthly report shows that production rose at a record rate during the only vacation you’ve had in ten years.

You receive a letter notifying you that your health insurance is cancelled. The paper cut you get opening the envelope requires 20 stitches and three pints of blood.

Your name appears on the company’s vacation schedule for all 52 weeks.

Your winning entry in the American Family Sweepstakes is invalid because you can’t prove your name is “Occupant”.

There’s a pink slip on your desk in the morning…and you’re self-employed.

Your burly cab driver starts telling you how he “dealt with” the last person who stiffed him and you realize you forgot your wallet.

You’ve driven halfway to work before you realize you don’t own a car.

Your skirt feels a little tight as you get on the subway - and suddenly you remember that your name is Roy.

You look out the window and notice the sun rising in the west.

You kiss your wife on the way out the door and realize she really needs a shave.

The humane society repossesses your dog.

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better

You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold

You get to work and find a 60 minutes news team waiting in your office

You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.

Your horn sticks on the freeway behind thirty-two Hell’s Angels.

Your four-year-old tells you that it’s almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.

You realized that you just sprayed spot remover under your arms instead of deodorant.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

Your husband says “good morning Mary”…and your name is Sharon.

You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight…and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.

Your kids start treating you the same way you treated your parents.

You compliment the boss on her unusual perfume and she isn’t wearing any.

People think you are 40 and you really are.

You realize that the phone number on the bathroom wall of the bar is yours.

You wake up face down on the pavement.

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and they aren’t there.

You wake up to discover your waterbed has broken, then remember you don’t have a waterbed.

Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.

You call your answering service and they tell you it’s none of your business.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

Your income tax refund cheque bounces.

Your wife says, “Good morning, Bill” and your name is George.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

GENERAL DISCLAIMER FOR ANY WIVES OR GIRLFRIENDS WHO HAPPEN UPON A COPY OF THIS:

1) The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.

2) Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.

3) When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.

4) When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.

5) If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.

6) If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.

5) If you don’t like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven’t hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.

6) I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.

7) Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
Don’t ask me if I prefer one outfit to another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.

9) If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It’s only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own?

10) I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.

11) Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.

George’s wife bought a new line of expensive costmetics, guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before mirror, applying the “miracle” products, she asked, “Darling, honestly now, what age would you say that I look like I am, if you didn’t know my real age?”

Looking her over carefully, George replied, “Judging from you skin, 20; your hair, 18; your figure, 25.

“Oh, you flatterer! Do you really think I look that young?” she cooed.

“Hey, wait a minute!” George interrupted. “I haven’t finished adding them up yet!”