Deep thoughts Jokes

One time I saw an old lady trip and fall in the street. I know it shouldn’t have been funny, but I laughed anyway. But then I started to think, “What if I was an ant?” Then it wouldn’t be so funny.

(0)
Loading...

Home is where the house is. Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good, because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and…

(0)
Loading...

I hope when I die that I’ll die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like his passengers.

(0)
Loading...

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth–that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally–but I didn’t want to upset him. I once heard the voice of God. It said “Vrrrrmmmmm.” (Unless it was just a lawn mower.) I don’t know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine…

(0)
Loading...

If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them? If corn oil comes from corn and olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? What was the best thing before sliced bread? Why do Kamakazie pilots wear helmets? What are Preparations A to G? What do they use to protect shipments of styrofoam? If you shoot a mime, shouldn’t you use a silencer? Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

(1)Loading...

I rather be rice than stupid.

(0)
Loading...

* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station… * If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with “quit while you’re ahead”? * I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me. They’re cramming for their “finals”. * I thought about how mothers feed their…

(1)Loading...

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn’t live there. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? (Jared: what do you think?) Whatever happened to preparations A through G? If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? I went…

(1)Loading...