Deathbed Jokes

A Deathbed Confession

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic; but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt. “Darling wife,” the husband whispers, “assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if–” The wife gently interrupts him. “Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother’s grave that…

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Father Knows Best

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, “You say you’ve been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?” The wife replies, “It’s my husband — he’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!” “How does he drive you crazy?” “For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the…

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Wrong place

There was an old miser who was close to death. While on his deathbed, he gathered his family around to tell them his last requests. “I want one of you to take all my money and put it in a box in the attic. That way, when I die, I can take it to heaven with me.” A couple of days later, the miser died. After the funeral, the family once again gathered at the house. The widow went up…

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Strudel

An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: “I must be dreaming of heaven. I smell your grandmother’s strudel.” “No, Grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother…

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Dying Becky

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips moved. “Jake,” she said. “Hush,” he quickly interrupted, “don’t talk.” But, she insisted. “Jake,” she said in her tired voice, “I have to talk. I must confess.” “There is nothing to confess,” said the weeping Jake, “It’s all right. Everything’s all right.” “No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake,…

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