Da line Jokes

Canada’s ‘Turbocharge’ Economy Plan: Powered by Nuclear, Mines, and the Strategic Avoidance of Oil Pipelines

Canada’s Liberal government has revealed its master plan to ‘turbocharge’ the nation’s economy – and apparently, that means strapping a nuclear reactor, a bunch of critical mineral mines, and an LNG facility to it! ? This ambitious first wave of national projects aims to propel Canada forward while simultaneously fending off a pesky trade war with the United States. ? Curiously, the unveiled list conspicuously avoids any mention of new oil pipelines, projects that have proven more divisive than a…

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Alice Kinpipaline

Three nuns died and went to heaven. St. Peter upon seeing them says “You three have been so good that I will allow you to go back as anyone you want.” The first nun says, “I want to go back as Madonna, that woman has fucked everyone,” The second nun says, “I want to go back as Linda Lovelace, now there’s a whore!” The third says, “I want to go back as Alice Kinpipaline!” St. Peter says, “Sorry sister, there…

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The dangerous dog

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. “My wife,” the man replied. “I’m sorry,” said Bill, “What happened to her?” “My…

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Letter of Recommendation

Memo to: the Director Subject: Letter of Recommendation 1> Bob Smith, an assistant programmer, can always be found 2> hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without 3> wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never 4> thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always 5> finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended 6> measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping 7> coffee breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8> vanity…

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Everybody’s Free (To Embrace the Dark Side of the Force)

This appeared in a local Sunday magazine recently. For those unfamiliar with the Star Wars saga, James Earl Jones was the voice of that great villain Darth Vader. But those Star Wars fans will surely appreciate this fanciful article : Supposedly James Earl Jones is Vassar College’s Commencement speaker for this year. Oddly, this event coincides with the release of the much awaited “Phantom Menace” and the unexpected popularity of Baz Luhrmann’s “Sunscreen Song” (which, if you haven’t had your…

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The Airline

An airline stewardess was giving the standard safety briefing to the passengers. She had just finished saying “In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device,” when a man remarked: “Hey! If the plane can’t fly, why should I believe the seat can float?”

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Women’s Clever Answers To Pick-Up Lines

Man: “Haven’t we met before?” Woman: “Yes, I’m the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.” Man: “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?” Woman: “Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.” Man: “So, wanna go back to my place?” Woman: “Well, I don’t know. Will two people fit under a rock?” Man: “Your place or mine?” Woman: “Both. You go to your place and I’ll go to mine.” Man: “I’d really like to get into your pants.” Woman: “No thanks. There’s…

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5 really bad pick up lines

5. I’m not the best looking guy but I can do it all night long. 4.Your daddy must be a farmer, cause those are some great melons. 3.Is that your real hair? 2.You have hair like a lioness. I could be your lion king. 1.Baby you have teeth like a beaver. Would you like to naw on my log?

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Over 50 Ways to get rid of Blind Dates

1.At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you’ll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it. 2.Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table. 3.Wipe your nose on your date’s sleeve. Twice. 4.Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions. 5.Repeat every third third word you say say. 6.Give your claim to fame…

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You know you’ve been online too long when…

Tech Support calls “YOU” for help. When you are reading something printed, you wish you could use a search function to get to the point. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say “LOL.” When you reply to someone verbally, your fingers start typing your response. You check your e-mail over and over, even when you know there’s nothing there. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on. You have called out someone’s screen name while making…

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