ambition

When I was in junior-high, all I wanted was a girl with great figure.

In high school, I dated a girl with great figure, but there was no passion.
So, I decided I needed a passionate girl.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency and she cried all the time.

So, I decided I needed a girl with some stability.
I found a very stable girl, but she was boring.
She never got excited about anything.

So, I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She was directionless.

So, I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her.
But, she was so ambitious that she soon divorced me
and took everything I owned.

Now, all I want is a girl with great figure!

A lovely young Jewish girl was employed by a clothing firm in New York. She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition: marriage to a wealthy man. One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying. As soon as she entered the apartment she called, “MAMA, I’m pregnant! Don’t get excited. The father is my boss.”

She began to sob uncontrollably while her mother tried to console her. The next morning, the mother charged into the office of the boss. “YOU,” she shouted, “What’s going to be?”

The elegantly attired man, handsome and unmarried and in his mid thirties, held up his hand: “Please take a seat, Mrs. Horowitz. I’m making all the arrangements. Your daughter will have the best doctor money can buy before the baby is born. She’ll be in the best hospital. And afterward, I am arranging for a trust fund for her where she will receive a check for twenty-five hundred dollars a week.”

The mother was taken aback and thought for a moment. “Tell me,” she said, “God forbid, she should have a miscarriage, will you give her another chance?”

Q. What is every blonde’s ambition in life?

A. To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, “How has everything been going with you?”

“Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I’m as rich as Rockefeller.”

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, “Chapter Eleven.”

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Support bacteria - they’re the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.

A fool and his money are soon married.

Drugs may lead nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.