Jokes News

The following are real messages to the in-house Tech Support E-mail system.

From Yesterday:
Hi, I seem t;o be having a p9ro;bl/em with my keyb;oard. co;ul/d yo;u co;me up9 and hel/-p9 me o;ut? Thanks,

From Today:
Soe of the keys that didnt work yesterday are working today ut soe still arent working at all I would tell you which ones they are ut I think you can see for yourself I sorry to e such a pest ut I have to get soe reports done today so whenever you get a chance could you please coe up? Thanks

EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATION

Employee Name _______________
Date of Review __________________

KNOWLEDGE:
1.____ The son-of-a-bitch really knows his shit

2.____ Knows only enough to be dangerous

3.____ Only has half a brain and is dangerous

4.____ Fucking brain damaged. His coffee cup has a higher I.Q.

ACCURACY:
1.____ Does excellent work; is not preoccupied with pussy

2.____ Pretty good; only occasionally blows it out his ass

3.____ Has to take his shoes off to count higher than ten

4.____ Couldn’t count his balls and get the same number twice

ATTITUDE:
1.____ Extremely cooperative (Kisses ass frequently)

2.____ Brown noser in poor standing

3.____ Often pisses off co-workers; thinks it’s his job

4.____ Doesn’t give a shit; never did, never will

RELIABILITY:
1.____ Really a dependable little cocksucker

2.____ Can rely on him at evaluation time

3.____ Can rely on him to be the first one out the fucking door

4.____ Totally fucking worthless

APPEARANCE:
1.____ Extremely neat; even combs his pubic hair

2.____ Looks great at evaluation time

3.____ Dirty, filthy, smelly son-of-a-bitch

4.____ Flies leave fresh dog shit to follow him

PERFORMANCE:
1.____ Goes like a son-of-a-bitch if there is money in it for him

2.____ Does OK around evaluation time

3.____ Works only if kicked in the ass every two minutes

4.____ Couldn’t do less work if he were in a coma

LEADERSHIP:
1.____ Carries chain saw and gets good results

2.____ Occasionally gets told to get fucked

3.____ Mother Theresa tells him to get fucked

4.____ Couldn’t lead a pack of hungry wolves to meat

————————————————————-

I understand that I have been evaluated and know my rights under the Privacy Act of 1969. I further acknowledge that I am as fucked up as a football bat and will attempt to correct my deficiences.

EMPLOYEE SIGNATURE X__________________________________________________

MANAGER SIGNATURE X__________________________________________________

The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, “Ya’ll graduated from the University of Alabama. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

How to Lose Weight at Work Without Doing Much

Here’s the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of calories per hour they consume.
Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight). ..50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day’s end. . . . .12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:
Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350
Counting eggs before they hatch. . . . . 6
Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 2

While attending a party hosted by his boss, the “Life of the Party” had one drink too many and woke up with a nasty hang-over and no memory of last night’s party. So he asked his wife what happened at the party.

“As usual, you’ve made an ass of yourself before your boss,” said his wife with a smirk.

“Well, piss on him,” said the man defiantly.

“That you did and he fired you on the spot!” said the wife.

“Well, screw him!” said the man with some trepidation.

“That I did! You report to work in the morning.”

There is a new virus going around, called “work.” If you receive any sort of “work” at all, whether via e-mail, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague…DO NOT OPEN IT.

This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open “work” or even look at “work,” have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter “work” via e-mail or are faced with any “work” at all, then to purge the virus, send an e-mail to your boss with the words “I’ve had enough of your crap! I’m off to the pub.” The “work” should automatically be forgotten by your brain.

If you receive “work” in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the “work” to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that “work” will no longer be of any relevance to you and that “Scooby Doo” was the greatest cartoon ever.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I’m afraid the “work” virus has already corrupted your life.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package
of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and
dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you
kidding?”

And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

COMPUTER VIRUSES

Woody Allen Virus
Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

Tonya Harding Virus
Turns your BAT files into lethal weapons.

Paul Revere Virus
Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\.

Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus
Instantly turns 1 K of disk space into 1 Meg.

Ollie North Virus
Plays a patriotic WAV while it shreds your files.

Joey Buttafuoco Virus
Only attacks minor files.

Lorena Bobbit Virus
Your hard disc turns into a 3.5 floppy.

Ronald Reagan Virus
Saves your data, but forgets where it’s stored.

Jane Fonda Virus
Attacks your hard drive’s FAT.

Oprah Winfrey Virus
Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB, and then slowly expands to 300 MB.

AT&T Virus
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus
Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

Politically Correct Virus
Never calls itself a “virus,” instead refers to itself as an
“electronic microorganism.”

Ross Perot Virus
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Adam and Eve Virus
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

Congressional Virus #1
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Congressional Virus #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

Airline Virus
You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend’s hard drive.

PBS Virus
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Your programs can never be found again.

LAPD Virus
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defense.”

An anxious woman goes to her doctor. “Doctor,” she asks nervously, “can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?”

“Certainly,” replies the doctor. “Where do you think lawyers come from?”

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a C monkey please.”

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop, and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash and handed it to the customer, saying “That’ll be $5000.” The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey! Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?”

The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can program in C — very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. “That one’s even more expensive — $10,000! What does it do?”

“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”

Scratching his head, the shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but the other two monkeys call him BOSS.”