Jokes News

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., “Steady as she goes” or “She’s listing to starboard, Captain!”).

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion are the followings:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message “Bad command or file name” is about as informative as, “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you.”
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons are the followings:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had
waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

Name:Woman
Symbol:WO
Atomic weight:(Don’t go there)
Physical Properties:Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties:Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Also able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.
Usage:Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Name:Man
Symbol:XY
Atomic weight:180 +/- 50
Physical properties:Solid at room temperature but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties:Attempts to bond with WO at any given opportunity. Also tends to form strong bond with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (element:child) for prolonged time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage:None known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution:In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and develops an unpleasant odor.

Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman’s ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking; the other, cleaning.

What do you call the extra skin around a vagina?

A woman!

Reasons to Love Men

1. They’ve got that comfortable place on their shoulder that’s perfect for snuggling into while we fall asleep.
2. They’re at peace with their bodies, except for maybe some minor anxiety over height, weight, and baldness.
3. They’re enthusiastic about our bodies, even when we’re not.
4. They’re beyond enthusiastic about sex.
5. They fall in love so hard, once they finally fall.
6. Chest hair, forearm hair and the feel of a newly shaved cheek.
7. Bravery around snakes, waterbugs, bats and flat tires.
8. Their unapologetic lust for a nice hunk of beef or chocolate cake.
9. Their ability to solve problems simply by throwing a ball around.
10. The glimpse you get, when they wear their baseball cap backward of their inner Little Leaguer.
11. How tender they get when they cry, and how seldom they do it.
12. What they lack in talk, they tend to make up for in action.
13. They make excellent companions when driving through rough neighborhoods or walking past dark alleys.
14. They really love their moms. They remind us of our dads.
15. They don’t mind accompanying a woman to a party even though she looks like a movie star and they look like the chauffeur.
16. Their near-endless appetite for discussing the ins and outs of work and money - ours as well as theirs.
17. Their genuine ardor for tinkering with toilets, changing oil and assembling gas grills - jobs any intelligent woman can do but would be nuts to volunteer for.
18. They never care what their horoscope, their mother-in-law, nor the neighbors say.
19. They rarely lie about their age, their weight, or their clothing size.
20. How awestruck they are in the face of a Wonderbra or a homemade cookie.
21. How sexy their butts look in jeans.
22. How sexy their hands look holding ours.
23. Their face is a treasure to behold when they give us a present they picked out
24. Their ignorance is usually amusing
25. They have a great sense of competition
26. They can make great sex partners
27. They give great hugs, ( and always melt our hearts when a sweet “I love you” is added)
28. Though they often try to hide it, they’re very tenderhearted and caring
29. They have an uncanny ability to look deeply into our eyes and connect with our heart, even when we don’t want them to
30. They don’t care whether colors match, but are willing to be concerned if we want them to be
31. They can be taught
32. They give us a peek at the little boy inside when they get sick or happy or hurt.

A woman got home from work one-day and said “Honey pack your things I won the lottery”, the husband said “Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?” She said “I dont care just get the hell out!

Rule #1: Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule #2: If you don’t want to dress like Victoria’s Secret Girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

Rule #3: If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule #4: It is neither in your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule #5: Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

Rule #6: Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.

Rule #7: You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

Rule #8: Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule #9: Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.

Rule #10: Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

Rule #11: When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying “This is our exit” is not necessary.

Rule #12: Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.

Eve, in the Garden of Eden, called out to the skies, “Oh Lord, I have a problem.”

And the Lord said, Whats the matter Eve?”

“I know you created me and this beautful garden,” said Eve, “but I’m lonely and I’m sick of eating apples.”

“Well, in that case,” replied the Almighty, “I will create a man for you.”

“What’s a man?” asked Eve.

“He’s a flawed creature with aggresive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to listen. But he’s big and fast and muscular. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball and hunting animals — and not bad in the sack.”

“Sounds great!” replied Eve.

“There’s one condition,” added the Lord. “You’ll have to let him believe I made him first.”

There’s this couple that call making love “doing laundry”. One morning the husband tried despartly to wake his wife to do some laundry. She replyed by saying “honey, I am so tired let me sleep just a little while longer and than we can do laundry”. A short time later she wakes up and turns to her husband, she see’s him lying there naked. Oh Honey she said, I see that your ready to do the laundry…He looked at her with a half smile and said…No thanks I already did the laundry…it was a small load so I did it by hand!

a man has
2 tits he can’t milk
2 balls he can’t roll
a cock that won’t crow
a belly button that he can’t button
an ass that won’t work
ten nails that he can’t nail

but a woman has a pussy that won’t catch mice!
so we’re even!