Jokes News

Little Johnny was getting ready for his bath one night, when he asked his mom if he could take a shower like the grown-ups do.
“Alright,” his mom said, “but I’ve got to take it with you, cause you’re too little.”
In the shower, Little Johnny pointed to his mother’s chest and said,”What are those, mommy?”
“These are my headlights, Johnny.”
“Then what is that?” he said pointing down there.
“That’s the grass,” said his mother.
Johnny thought nothing of it. The next day, it was his father’s turn to give Johnny his bath. Again, Johnny asked for a shower, and this time, his father had to take it with him.
“What’s that?” Johnny asked, pointing to his father’s crotch.
“That’s a snake,” said his father.
Johnny thought nothing of it.

A couple of days passed, and one night, Johnny had a nightmare. He asked if he could sleep with his parents, and they agreed.
Johnny woke up again later, and started screaming, “MOM! Turn your headlights on! There’s a snake in the grass!”

Lil’ Johnny’s mother had been away a week at a N.O.W. convention, and when she returned home, she was anxious to hear about his week.

“Well, one night we had a thunderstorm, and I was scared, so Daddy and me slept together,” her son said.

“Johnny!” said the boy’s French Au Pair, “Don’t you mean ‘Daddy and I’?”

“No!” replied Johnny. “That was Thursday. I’m talking about Monday night.”

Little 14 year old Johnny was in his room masturbating. Suddenly, his Mother opened the door and caught him. Thinking fast, she told him that he shouldn’t be doing that, he should save it for when he gets married.

Twelve years later, Johnny fell in love and got married. At his reception, he pulled his Mother aside and asked her if she remembered what she had told him when she caught him masturbating. She said yes, she did.

Hearing this, Johnny said, “Well, I took your advice, and saved it for when I got married. Now I have 22 gallons of it, what do I do with it now?”

Ten year old lil’ Johnnie rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.

She says, “Put that away, Johnnie. You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.”

Johnnie whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.”

Trying to placate him, she says, “OK. I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?”

“I wanna play Mommy and Daddy,” Johnnie whines in reply.

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?”

Johnnie says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if you’re taking a nap.”

Figuring that she can easily control the situation Mom goes
upstairs.

Johnnie, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet.

He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table.

He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises her head and says, “What do I do now?”

In a gruff manner, Johnnie says, “Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”

Little Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom on, in preparation for sex with his wife.

Johnny’s father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously “What ya doin’ dad?”

His father quickly replied, “I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.”

Little Johnny replied, “Whatcha gonna do, screw him?”

A teacher was working with her pupils, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. One day she brought in rolls of lifesavers of all flavors.

“Children,” she announced, passing out the lifesavers, “I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these and then tell me what they are.” The kids managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the teacher gave them the honey-flavored lifesavers, every one of the kids was stumped.

“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher. “It’s something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time.”

Instantly, Little Johnny nearly gagged and hollered, “Spit ‘em out, guys! They’re assholes!”

Matters had progressed to the point where the freshman and his date were naked in the motel bed when the girl had a change of heart.

“I suppose you’re going to tell me now that you’re waiting for ‘Mr. Right’,” he said dejectedly.

“That’s a silly old romantic notion,” laughed the coed. “I’m just waiting for Mr. Big.”

This newlywed couple decided to take golfing lessons. So the husband went to the golf trainer and he hit the ball. It went about 50 yards, not very balanced and not a good hit.
So the trainer said, “Hold the golf club like you would your wife’s breasts.” So he did and it was a perfect hit, hole in 1.

When the wife went to the trainer, she did the same thing, not a very good hit, about 40 yards.

So the trainer said “Hold the golf club like you would your husband’s penis.” She hit the ball and it went about 3 feet.

Then the trainer said, “Now take the golf club out of your mouth and hit the ball again”

In school one day the teacher decided she would teach about materials in science class. So she stood in the front of the class and said, “Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?”

Little Richie raised his hand and said, “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche.”

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie Marie.

Little Susie said, “I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette.”

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, “I would want silicone.”

The teacher said, “Why Johnny?”

He responded by saying, “because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!”

Little Johnny was considered well endowed, and his Mother told him never to pull it out in public.

One day, Johnny came home and put a large turkey on the table. His mother asked him where he got it, and he said he won it. When asked how, he said a group of guys were having a contest. Whoever had the biggest penis would win the turkey.

Shocked, his Mother shouted, “You didn’t pull that thing out in public, did you?”

To which Johnny replied, “Hell, no, Mom, I just pulled enough out to win the turkey!”