Jokes News

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:

1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.

2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.

3) Overcharging fees to many clients.

4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.

And the list goes on for quite awhile.

The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, “Wait, I’ve done some charity in my life also.”

St. Peter looks in his book and says,”Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?”

The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, “Yes.”

St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, “Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.”

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined!”

“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.

“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”

“No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court.”

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!”

Confidently the lawyer responded, “I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.”

“But I did send them.”, replied the man.

“What?” shouted the lawyer.

“I sure did, that’s how we won the case… good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiff’s business card.”

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, “I’m here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”

“That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”

The lawyer thought for a second and then asked, “How do you start a flood?”

What do you call one lawyer thrown off a bridge??

pollution

What do you call all lawyers thrown off a bridge??

solution

Q: Why does the law prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

An old man was a witness in a burglary case.

The defense lawyer asked Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?”

“Yes,” said Sam, “I saw him plainly take the goods.”

The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?”

“Yes, says Sam. “I saw him do it.”

Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam, listen, you are an 80-year-old, and your eyesight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?”

Sam says, “I can see the moon. How far is that?”

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

A: One is a bottom dwelling scum sucker and the other is a fish.

An elderly spinster called a lawyer’s office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, “You must understand, I’ve lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don’t like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?”

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster’s home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer’s first question was, “Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you’d like them to be distributed under your will?”

She replied, “Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank.”

“Tell me,” the lawyer asked, “how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?”

The spinster said, “Well, as I’ve told you, I’ve lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I’d like them to notice when I pass on. I’d like to provide $35,000 for my funeral.”

The lawyer remarked, “Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me,” he continued, “what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?”

The spinster answered, “As you know, I’ve never married, I’ve lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I’ve never slept with a man. I’d like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me.”

“This is a very unusual request,” the lawyer said, adding, “but I’ll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you.”

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

She said, “I’ll drive you overtomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you’re finished.”

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster’s house and
waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn’t come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, “Pick me up tomorrow, she’s going to let the County bury her!”

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted!

Bed makers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, landscapers will be deflowered, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.

On a more positive note though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

One time a Lawyer from up North came down to South Texas to go hunting. He shot a duck and it landed in an old farmers field. When he went to go get it the farmer saw him and asked what he was doing. The lawyer repeated in a smart ass way, “I am getting my duck, old man. Watch out!”

The old man replied, “Well here in south Texas we got a contest we play before you can get the duck!”

The lawyer wanted to look good so he didn’t back down. He said, “Well how do I play?”

The old man replied, “Well its called Texas Three Kicks. I kick you three times and you kick me three times and who ever is the last on standing wins.”

Thinking that the old man was to feeble to ever do any damage, the lawyer agreed and he even let the old man go first. The old man kicked him right in the nuts and said, “You give up?”

The poor lawyer was in so much pain he could hardly stand but he didn’t give up. Then the old man kicked him in the kidneys and then in the nose.

Then the hurting lawyer stood up and said, “My turn?”

The old farmer said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the damn duck!”