Jokes News

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.”

“We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball….stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.”

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!’”

Two college guys take their virgin friend to get him laid for the first time. They go to a whore house and he picks the one he wants.

They go to her room and she asks the gentleman want he would like to do. Not knowing what he would like, he asks for the options.

The lady replies, “Well I can 1) give you a hand job, 2) two we can screw, or 3) we can 69.” The man goes for option three, 69. The lady tells him to go on her and start kissing her genitals.

As the man starts to lick, the young lady cuts a real fart. She apologizes and the man continues.

She then farts again. Before she can say another word, the young man says “Listen lady, I don’t know what this is all about but I don’t think I can take 67 more of those.”

Two members of a country club, one a doctor, the other a lawyer, were having dinner in the lounge overlooking the golf course.

Midway through the meal, a lady who was a patient of the doctor, left her table and came over to the doctor.

“I’m sorry to interrupt your dinner, Doctor,” said the woman, “but I’ve had a terrible headache all day.”

“Well,” said the doctor, “I can’t really say what the problem is offhand, but you should go home, take a couple of aspirin, and go to bed. If it isn’t gone in the morning, call my office for an appointment.”

The woman thanked him and went back to her table. The doctor turned to his friend, the lawyer, and said, “Do you think I should send her a bill?”

“No,” said the lawyer.

The next day, a courier brought a bill to the doctor from the lawyer.

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. “Your Holiness”, said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths.”

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. “Don’t we have a Cardinal to represent me?” he asked.

“None that plays very well,” a Cardinal replied. “But,” he added, “there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we’ll also win the match.”

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. “I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, ” said the golfer. “Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus,” said the Pope.

“Well, your Holiness, I don’t like to brag, but even though I’ve played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must’ve been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.

“There’s bad news?” the Pope asked.

“Yes,” Nicklaus sighed. “I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes.”

One day a priest woke up and noticed that it was a beautiful day outside. He decides to go golfing. So he calls in and says he is sick and cannot come to work.

To make sure nobody knows, he drives to a golf course about 2-3 hours away so he doesn’t meet anyone familiar.

At that time, St. Peter is talking to God and he says, “You aren’t going to let him get away with this, are you?”

“Oh, fine, I won’t.”

Immediately the priest gets a hole-in-one. That’s a 547-yard hole in one!!!

“Why the hell did you let him do that?” asks St. Peter

To this, God replies, “Who’s he going to tell?”

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.” Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and she says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
“Ten years!” he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”

Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”
He replies, “Ten years!”
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some REAL fun?”

And the man replies, “My God! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

I was at the golf course the other day, and I stepped on a rake and hit two of my best balls

Jim and Ted play golf every Monday. Jim always wins because Ted is a terrible putter. One Monday, though, Ted misses none! He sinks every shot on the green. Jim can’t believe his eyes.

After the round, Jim asks, “What has happened? You can’t seem to miss today.”

Ted says, “Order up the beer. I have to go to the restroom.”

When Ted comes back, the front of his pants are all wet. Confused, Jim asks, “What happened to your pants?”

“I’ll get to that in a minute. First, let me tell you about my new and improved game. I went to the eye doctor last week, and he said that I needed bifocals. So when I look down, I see a little ball and a big ball. I look over and see a little hole and a big hole. I put the little ball in the big hole, and I can’t miss.”

“But what about your pants?”

“I looked down and saw a little one and a big one. Figured the little one couldn’t be mine, so I put it away.”

Did you hear that Monica refuses to play golf with Clinton anymore.

She was tired of getting hit in the face with his balls.

A man went to confession and told his priest that he said something horrible while golfing and had to confess it.

He said it started when he hit golf ball on what he thought was one of the longest drives ever when it hit a telephone post and fell a hundred yards short, the priest then asked “is that when you said something bad?”, “no” replied the man.

then a squirrel took the ball and ran off, “is that when you cursed”, the priest asked, “no” replied the man

then an eagle grabbed the squirrel, ball and all, and flew off, “is that when?”, “no”

the squirrel then dropped the ball it hit a rock, rolled down, hit a tree and then fell six inches from the hole.

the priest then yelled out ” you missed the FUCKING putt….didnt you?”