Jokes News

1.Free drinks.
2.Free dinners.
3.Free movies (you get the point).
4.You can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you’re gay.
5.You can hug your friend without wondering if YOU’RE gay.
6.You know ‘The Truth’ about whether size matters.
7.Speeding ticket? What’s that?
8.New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
9.You never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned in high school.
10.If you have sex with someone and don’t call them the next day, you’re not the Devil.
11.Condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex.
12.If you have to be home in time for 90210, you can say so, out loud.
13.If you’re not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
14.You can sleep your way to the top.
15.You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
16.Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
17.It’s possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
18.No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
19.Brad Pitt.
20.You don’t have to fart to amuse yourself.
21.If you cheat on your spouse, people assume it’s because you’re being emotionally neglected.
22.YOU never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
23.You’ll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper.
24.No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
25.If you think the person you’re dating really likes you, you don’t have to break up with them.
26.Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
27.If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
28.You can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her ass.
29.If you have a zit, you can conceal it.
30.You never have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates are still there.
31.If you’re dumb, some people will find it cute.
32.You don’t have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
33.You have the ability to dress yourself.
34.You have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
35.You can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
36.If you marry someone 20 years younger, you’re aware that you look like an idiot.
37.If you’re wearing cologne, you don’t have to pretend it’s aftershave.
38.You’ll probably never see someone you know while peeing in an alley.
39.You’ll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
40.You can quickly end any fight by crying.
41.Your friends won’t think you’re weird if you ask whether there’s spinach in your teeth.
42.There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
43.You’ve never had a goatee.
44.Gay waiters don’t make you uncomfortable.
45.You’ll never regret piercing your ears.
46.You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
47.You’ll never discover you’ve been duped by a Wonderbra.
48.You don’t have hair on your back.
49.You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
50.You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.

One sunny Tuesday afternoon, in a bar in Normandy, France, a Barman notices two guys sitting in the corner leaning on each other. The Barman, feelng a bit homophobic, goes over to these two and says,
“I’m sorry, but we don’t accept gay people in this bar! There is a lovely gay bar down the road if you are interested!”

The couple look angry and one replies,
“I’m sorry to tell you, but we are not gay! We are in fact Siamese twins who are joined at the shoulder!”

The barmen looks aghast, and says,
“I am sooooooo sorry! Let me give you anything you want! I have the best wine cellar in France, take a couple of my finest cases! Free of charge!”

One of the twins replies,

“I’m sorry, but neither me or my brother like wine! We’d just prefer a nice soft drink now and again!”

The barman, a bit disappointed with the twins says,
“Well, you must have come to taste the fabulous French Bistro! Why dont you let me rustle up a fabulous 7 course meal tonight, on me!”

The other twin decides to speak and says,
“I’m sorry, but we don’t like French food that much! We’d just prefer to have fish and chips from our local chippy in Birmingham!”

The barman is a bit worried now, so says to the twins,
“Well, what about France’s amazing scenery? I own ten 15 acre fields, why don’t you have one of them for your own personal use?”

One of the twins reply,
“I’m sorry, but were not the kinda people who go out and savour the countryside. We’d much rather stay in and watch the English footie on a Sunday afternoon!”

So the French barman looks at the pair in disbelief! He says,

“O.K., so you don’t like the French wine, you don’t like the french bistro and you don’t like our countryside! What do you come on holiday in France for?”

The twin on the right says,
“It’s the only chance that my twin brother gets the chance to drive!”

Q. What do you call a gay dentist?

A. A tooth-fairy

Q. Billy Graham and a douche?

A. Billy Graham fills your soul with hope.

Q. A straight rodeo and a gay rodeo?

A. At the straight rodeo the cowboys yell, “Ride those suckers!”

Q. An epileptic oyster shucker and a whore with diarrhea?

A. The epileptic oyster shucker shucks between fits.

Q. What is gren gay and flies through the air?

A. Peter Pansy

Q:How do you know if your roomate is gay?
A: If his dick tastes like shit.

One day a straight man was hitch hiking. A car with two gay guys pulled up to pick him up. After a few miles one of the gay guys farted, “Pssst”. Then the other gay farted, “Pssst”.

Then the straight guy farted, “Pffffft”.

Then they said to him, “You must be a virgin.”

Why do most gay men have moustaches?

To hide their stretch marks!

A gay guy walks into a straight bar and the bartender says to him, “Go away, we don’t allow your kind in here.”

The gay says, “Please let me stay, I won’t say a word I promise.” So the bartender says, “Alright you can stay but you have to sit in the corner and you can’t say a word.” So the gay gets his drink and sits in the corner.

About five minutes later a cowboy walks in and he had a hard day at work and he says, “I’m so thirsty a could lick the sweat off a cow’s balls.”

Then the gay guy turns around and says, “Well moo moo buckeroo!”

This gay guy was coming home from the bar one night and couldn’t score. As he was walking home, he saw a drunk bum passed out on a bench. He thought, “Hmm, better than nothing.” So he did his business and left the guy a $5.00 bill. The next morning when the bum woke up he found the $5.00 bill and went to the liquor store and said, “Give me a $5.00 bottle.”

The next night the guy and a friend walked by the bum. The guy told his friend what happened and both of them got some. They both left a $5.00 bill. Again the bum found the money and went to the liquor store. This time he said give me two $5.00 dollar bottles. The next night the guy and ten of his friends came by. They all did their business and each left a $5.00 bill.

Once again the bum found the money and went to the liquor store. The guy at the counter said, “Ten $5.00 dollar bottles?” The bum said, “No, just one $50.00 dollar bottle. The $5.00 liquor is making my ass hurt.”