Jokes News

This man walked up to this lady and asked her, “Would you sleep with me for $100,000?”

She said, “Yes.”

Then he asked, “would you sleep with me for $5.00?”

She replied, “What do you think I am?”

He replied, “That’s already been deduced, now we’re just bargaining on a price!”

Q: What is a woman’s favorite thing to get out of a penis?

A: The wrinkles

A car is crossing a large bridge when a policeman pulls him over.

“Congratulations!” the officer says. “This is the 250,000th car to cross this bridge and you’ve won $250,000.”

“Great!” the man says, “Now I can finally get my drivers-license!”

His wife, sitting next to him hits him on the head and says to the officer, “Don’t mind him, he always lies like this when he’s drunk!”

And Grandma, who was sleeping in the back of the car, finally wakes up and yells to the man and woman:
“See ? I told you, you’ll never get far in a stolen car !”

A guy on a date parks his car and gets the woman in the back seat. They make love, but the woman wants it again and the guy complies. She wants more so they do it again, but she still wants more. Exhausted, the guy says, “Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself.”

While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat. He asks the man, “Look, I’ve got this gal in my car and I’ve given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I’ll change your flat if you’ll take over for me.”

So the man agrees & gets into the car. He is just getting into “high-gear” when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.

The cop asks, “What are you doing in there?”

The guy says, “I’m making love to my wife.”

The cop asks, “Why don’t you do that at home?”

The guy answers, “To tell you the truth, I didn’t know it was my wife until you shined the light on her.”

The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug.

“Don’t worry,” the gruff looking fellow said, “I’m in here for a white collar crime, too.”

“Well, that’s a relief.” sighed the stockbroker. “I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading.”

“Oh nothing fancy like that for me,” grinned the convict. “I just killed a couple of priests.”

This mangy-lookin’ guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.” The guy says “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?” The bartender says “Only if what you show me ain’t risque.”

“Deal!” says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.” The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

“Money or another miracle else no drink,” says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender says to the guy, “Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!”

“Not so,” says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist!”

Why did the condom fly?

Because it got pissed off.

The New York Mets announced today that they are going to court to get an additional inning added to the end of Game 5 of the World Series.

The batting, pitching and bench coaches for the Mets held a press conference earlier today. They were joined by members of the Major League Players Union.

“We meant to hit those pitches from the Yankee pitchers,” said the Mets batting coach. “We were confused by the irregularities of the pitches we received, and believe we have been denied our right to hit.”

One claim specifically noted that a small percentage of the Mets batters had intended to swing at fast balls, but actually swung at curve balls. It was clear that these batters never intended to swing at curve balls, though a much higher percentage were not confused by the pitches.

Reporters at the press conference pointed out that the Mets had extensively reviewed film of the Yankees pitchers prior to the World Series and had, in fact, faced the Yankees in inter-league play earlier in the year.

“The fact remains that some of the pitches confused us and denied us our right to hit,” said the Mets batting coach. “The World Series is not over yet, and the Yankees are celebrating prematurely.”

Major League Baseball has reviewed the telecast of all the World Series games and recounted the balls and strikes called by the umpires of each game.

“While some of the strikes called against the Mets were, in fact, balls, there were not enough of them to change the outcome of the World Series,” The commissioner said.

Another portion of the Mets legal claim stated that, based on on-base percentage, the Mets had actually won the World Series, regardless of the final scores of the game. “It’s clear that we were on-base slightly more often than the Yankees,” said a Mets spokesman. “The World Series crown is rightly ours.”

The manager of the Mets has remained in relative seclusion, engaging in some light jogging for exercise. He has stated that he believes “we need to let the process run its course without a rush to judgment.”

Uses for Viagra not only include the obvious, but it can be used for several other tasks.

1. Not able to find that belt or suspenders? Take some Viagra and that erection will keep up those pants.

2. Uh-oh, so you lost that baseball bat…

3. Don’t you hate it when you roll off of bed when you’re sleeping? Don’t worry, with viagra it will be impossible for you to roll off.

4. So you lost that battering ram…

5. Oh no! That lightning rod you had was knocked over by high speed winds! Well, no problem with Viagra.

6. Want to impress your friends with that extra long schlong?

7. So you don’t have a girlfriend for that BJ you wanted…No problem. With Viagra, you can now reach it yourself.

8. What ever happened to that bird stand you had? Oh well with Viagra you have a free replacement.

9. Masturbation couldn’t be easier!

10. If you are a skateboarder, you know how hard it is to find a decent rail to grind on. Well, if one of your friends is willing, you can grind on his erection! It may hurt a little, but you and your friends could switch off.

There were three Indian ladies. All had husbands with the same first name, Stanley.

They decided one day that their husbands could use a nickname so they could tell them apart easier.

The first Indian lady wanted to call her Stanley “Mountain Dew”.

“Why do you want to call him Mountain Dew?” the two other ladies asked.

“Because everytime we go to the Mountains he wants to do me!!”

The next Indian Lady decided she wanted to nickname her Stanley, 7UP.

“Why do you want to call him 7UP?” the other two asked.

“Because he’s up 7 days a week!!” she replied.

The last Indian lady decided to nickname her Stanley, Johnny Walker.

“Why Johnny Walker?” the other two asked.

“Because he’s a hard liquor!!”