Jokes News

Two Priests died and met at the Pearly Gates at the same time. The computer was down, so St. Peter asked them if they would hang out on earth for a week as anything they wanted. They both agreed.

The first priest asked to be an eagle for a week. “So be it,” said St. Peter and off the priest went.

The second priest asked to if he could be a “Stud” for a week, and St. Peter once again agreed.

A week later, the computer was fixed and the Lord told St. Peter to recall the two priests. “Will you have any trouble locating them?” he asked.

“The first one should be easy,” replies St. Peter, “He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.”

“Why?” asked the Lord.

“Because he is on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.”

Bill & Doug need a break from their computer programming jobs, so they decide to try duck hunting. On the first day they sit in the duck blind all morning. Doug says to Bill, “I just don’t understand it, why aren’t we getting any ducks?”

Bill says, “I keep telling you, I don’t think we’re throwing the dog high enough.”

**** Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don’t Use Computers ****

20) Can’t stick their heads out of Windows ‘95.
19) Fetch command not available on all platforms.
18) Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
17) Too difficult to “mark” every website they visit.
16) Can’t help attacking the screen when they hear “You’ve Got Mail.”
15) Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14) Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they’re browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
13) Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.
12) Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
11) Still trying to come up with an “emoticon” that signifies tail-wagging.
10) Oh, but they WILL… with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9) Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome ‘Cause dogs ain’t GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand…
7) Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6) SmellU-SmellMe still in beta test.
5) SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4) Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to manuever.
3) Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures.master’s.leg.
2) Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
1) TOgO DA[M,bN HyAqRD Tgro TgYPmE WeITyH P;AWqS,

We all know those cute little computer symbols called “emoticons,” where means a smile and is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by and respectively. Well, how about some “asscons”?

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_._) a flat ass

(_^^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

(_!__) a lop-sided ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that’s been around

(_O_) an ass that’s been around even more

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^^o_) a wise ass

(_E=mc2_) a smart ass

(_13_) an unlucky ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass
..oo*”"”**oo.oo*”"*oo..
.oo*” “*o.o*” “*o.
o” ‘o” “o
o o *o
o o ‘
o o o.
o o o.
o o o o
\o/ o
o –0– o
o /o\ o
o o o
o o o
o o o
oo o oo
o
oo. oo oo ‘ooo.
.oo. ooo
“o “”oo,, ,,oO-’Oo, ,,,,,oo”o
o. “”"”"” oo “”"”" .o
‘o oo o’
*o oo o
‘o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o
o o o

You have been e-mooned!

During a staff meeting on the last working day of 1999, a manager was discussing the company’s preparedness for the Y2K roll-over. Worried that the company’s computers may fail when the year becomes 2000, the manager is requiring every engineer to report to work on first day of January to make sure the computers will not go crazy.

His blonde secretary, who was taking down the minutes of the meeting, suddenly raised her hand excitedly and asked if she could make a suggestion.

The manager said, “Go ahead.”

“If our computers are going to go crazy on January 1st,” said the blonde. “Why don’t we just unplug them until January 2nd?”

COMPUTER VIRUSES

Woody Allen Virus
Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

Tonya Harding Virus
Turns your BAT files into lethal weapons.

Paul Revere Virus
Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\.

Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus
Instantly turns 1 K of disk space into 1 Meg.

Ollie North Virus
Plays a patriotic WAV while it shreds your files.

Joey Buttafuoco Virus
Only attacks minor files.

Lorena Bobbit Virus
Your hard disc turns into a 3.5 floppy.

Ronald Reagan Virus
Saves your data, but forgets where it’s stored.

Jane Fonda Virus
Attacks your hard drive’s FAT.

Oprah Winfrey Virus
Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB, and then slowly expands to 300 MB.

AT&T Virus
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus
Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

Politically Correct Virus
Never calls itself a “virus,” instead refers to itself as an
“electronic microorganism.”

Ross Perot Virus
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Adam and Eve Virus
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

Congressional Virus #1
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Congressional Virus #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

Airline Virus
You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend’s hard drive.

PBS Virus
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Your programs can never be found again.

LAPD Virus
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defense.”

Suppose Edgar Allen Poe Had Used a Computer…

Once upon a midnight dreary,
Fingers cramped and vision bleary,
Systems manuals piled high and
Wasted paper on the floor.
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets,
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.

Typing with a steady hand,
I then invoked the SAVE command,
And waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering,
Long I sat there wond’ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning,
Turning yet to churn some more.

“Save!” I said, “You cursed mother!
Save my data from before!”
One thing did the phosphors answer,
Only this and nothing more,
Just, “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”

Was this some occult illusion?
Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired,
One’s I’d never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed the choices
As the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed,
insistent, waiting,
Baiting me to type some more.

Clearly I must press a key,
Choosing one and nothing more.

A representative of the Acme Company was making a product presentation of the Acme Computerized Crystal Ball to an executive of a top marketing firm. The Acme representative was bragging that the Acme Computerized Crystal Ball could answer any questions about a person’s past, present and even future. Such claims, however, made the marketing executive very skeptical. Seeing the bored expression of the skeptical marketing executive, the Acme representative then requested the executive to try the Acme Computerized Crystal Ball. Though he was not a believer, the marketing executive reluctantly agreed to give it a try.

The Acme representative instructed, “Please type in your full name and then your question.”

The marketing executive typed in his name and then he typed in this question, “Where is my father now ?”

The Acme Computerized Crystal Ball whirled and glowed for a few seconds and then displayed this answer, “Your father is fly fishing for trout in Montana at this very moment.”

“Aha! I knew your darned machine is a fake!” exclaimed the marketing executive. “The answer it gave was pure baloney! My father has been dead for the past twenty years now.”

Unperturbed, the Acme representative took one look at the answer and then said, “Could you give it try again? This time just rephrase the same question.”

Though he was still unconvinced, the marketing executive decided to try again just to put the Acme representative to shame. He typed in his name again and this time, he typed in this question, “Where is my mother’s husband now?”

Again the Acme Computerized Crystal Ball again whirled and glowed for a few seconds before it displayed this answer, “Your mother’s husband has been dead for twenty years now. And by the way, your father had just caught a 25-lb trout in Montana.”

Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using a computer?
A. The joystick is wet.

Q. What do a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it the looser it gets.

Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ass?
A. A brain tumor.

Q. What is a blondes cheer?
A. “I’m blonde, I’m blonde, I’m B.L.O.N…. oh well, I’m blonde, I’m blonde, yea, yea, yea!

Q. Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?
A. That is what they train for all their lives.

Q. Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A. So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.

Q. Why did the blonde get excited after she finished a jigsaw puzzle in only two months?
A. The box said 2-4 years only.

Q. What did the blonde say after she was asked if she had ever been picked up by “the fuzz?”
A. No, but I’ve been swung around by the tits.

Q. What is a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme.

Q. What does a blonde do if she isn’t in bed by 10:00?
A. Takes her purse and goes home.

Q. Why is a blonde’s brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A. It swells at night.

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe say’s to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.” “Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money.” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a lot cheaper than a doctor.” So Joe deposits a small sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for a urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shoping at Wal-Mart.” That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and waits for the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softner. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bath him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get an lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank You for shoping at Wal-Mart.