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yo momma so damn dumb she lit a match to see if she blew out all the candles on her birthday cake.

yo momma so damn dumb she tried to change the channel on a T.V. dinner.

yo momma so damn dumb she thought the Last Supper was when Jesus ran out of food stamps.

A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.

One day she floored her grandmother by asking, “Grandmother, which virgin was the mother of Jesus? Was it the Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”

Q: Why could Jesus not have been born in Washington?

A: There had to be three wise men and a virgin.

yo mama so old she saw adam and eve naked.

yo mama so old jesus signed her year book.

The other day I went into the local religious book store where I saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I’m really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at a light at a busy intersection, just lost in thoughts of the Lord and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who loved Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, “Jesus Christ!” as loud as he could. It was like a football game, with his shouting, “Go! Jesus Christ, GO!” Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and smiled to all those loving people.

There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about “sunny beach” and I saw him waving in a funny way with his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two kids what that meant. They squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

Several cars behind, a very nice large man stepped out of his car yelling something. I couldn’t hear him very well, but it sounded like “mother trucker” or mother from there. Maybe he was from Florida too. He must really love the Lord. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed the light had changed to yellow and I stepped on the gas. It was a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection.

I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign and I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful people.

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers’ deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. “I have only one condition,” he said. “At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.”

The pastor gave his word, and deposited the check. The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back.

“He was an evil man,” he said. “He cheated on his wife and abused his family.”

After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded….. “But compared to his brother, he was a saint.”

Style and fashion intrude into all walks of our lives.

Two fellows, who had been rivals all their lives, followed different career paths. One eventually became an Admiral in the Navy, and the other went into the Catholic Church and became a Bishop.

As fate would have it, they happened to meet at the airport.

The Bishop spied the Admiral first and said loudly, “OH, SKYCAP, FROM WHAT PIER IS THE FLIGHT TO DALLAS LEAVING?”

The Admiral approached, bowed, and said, “Pier 7, Madame, but should you be traveling in your condition?”

Jesus loves you, but everybody eles thinks your an asshole.

One evening a guy broke into a house and began to burglarize it. He started to unhook the t.v when he heard “Jesus is watching you.” He looked around and no one was there. He started to unhook the stero and again heard “Jesus is watching you.” When he turned the corner he saw a parrot. He asked, “Are you the one saying Jesus is watching you?” The parrot answered “yes.” Then he asked the parrot what his name was, and the parrot said, “Opollo.” The robber then asked, “What kind of stupid person would name there bird Opollo?” “The same stupid person that named there rottweiler Jesus” replied the parrot.

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

Tags: funny quote of the day, department of social services, food stamps, greenville south carolina, quote of the day

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