Jokes News

When three-year-old opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

The Mother was not so pleased. She turned to Grandmom and said, “I’m surprised at you. Don’t you remember how WE used to drive you crazy with water guns?”

Grandmom smiled and then replied, “I do remember, why do you think I bought it?”

A man wanted to give his wife a pet for her birthday so he went into a pet store and asked for something different. Then he saw something really different: a skunk. Well, he bought it and gave it to his wife. She looked at her husband and said, “Are you crazy? What do you think I am going to do with this?”

Becoming mad that she didn’t like his gift to her, he replied, “I don’t care, grow yourself a damn coat.”

She asked, “Where do you think I can keep it?”

“Put him in our bedroom.”

She said, “What about the smell?”

He said, “Let the the dawm thing get used to it the same way I had to!”

Jerry had heard a family rumor that his father, grandfather and even his great-grandfather had all “walked on water” on their 21st birthdays.

So, on his 21st birthday, he and his good friend, Brian, headed out to the lake. “If THEY could do it, so can I!” Jerry told Brian.

Jerry and Brian arrived at the lake and rented a boat. They paddled out to the middle. Jerry stepped off the side of the boat…and almost drowned!

Furious, he had Brian drive him back to the family farm, and he asked his grandmother why HE hadn’t been blessed with the same “gift” as the other men in his family.

Grandmother took Jerry by the hands, looked into his eyes, and said, “Dear, that’s because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January. You were born in July.

An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. “Sir, what is the secret for your long life?”

The man considered this for a moment, then replied, “Every day at 9 p.m. I have a glass of port. Good for the heart, I’ve heard.”

The reporter replied, “That’s ALL?”

The man smiled, “That, and canceling my voyage on the Titanic.”

An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake, and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed.

Eagerly the doctor removed and looked down on the cake, and immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes!

The guest, asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes
of laughing and whipping his eyes, the doctor said:

“I’m just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is a gynecologist!”

There is a father who is very proud of his son because he is turning 21.

There is only one thing wrong. The son is just a head. No torso, no arms, no legs, just a head.

His father brings his son to a bar on the night of his 21st birthday.

The father is just gleaming with pride and so he orders a beer for his son. His son drinks up, and poof, magically he has arms.

The father, the son, and the rest of the people in the bar are just amazed. He takes another sip, and poof, now he has a torso. His father cheers him on, telling him to take another sip.

So the son takes another sip and he all of the sudden has an entire body. The father is so proud.

He starts to cry.
The son is kind of disoriented and he staggers out of the bar. He then walks into the middle of the road and is hit and killed by a taxi.

The father just starts crying again. The bartender turns and says to the father, “Boy, he should have quit while he was a head.”

A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and is very satisfied with the results. One day he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 35,” he replies.

“I’m actually 47!” the man says, feeling happy.

After that he goes into McDonald’s for lunch, and asks the server the same question, to which the reply is, “Oh you look about 29.”

“I am actually 47!” This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks a little old woman the same question. She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man’s age. If I put my hand down your pants for five minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age.”

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Five minutes later the woman says, “OK, it’s done. You are 47.”

Stunned the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”

The little old lady replies, “I was in line behind you at McDonald’s.”

1.If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

2.Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up, put it down.

3.Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present, again!

4.Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.

5.Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

6.Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, it’s just like every other cat.

7.Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

8.Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.

9.Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.

10.No, we don’t know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the calendar.

11.Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

12.Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we!

A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his fiftieth birthday, so during this party he grabs the mic and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. “I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.”

So the party continues with no events in the pool, until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened, and in the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, wet and soaked.

The millionaire grabs the mic and says, “I am a man of his word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?” the millionaire asks.

The guy grabs the mic and says, “Why don’t we start with the name of the idiot that pushed me in!”

A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized that it was his daughter’s birthday and he hadn’t yet bought her a gift.

So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, “How much is that Barbie in the window?”

The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorce Barbie for $265.00.”

The overwhelmed man asked, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?”

“That’s obvious!” said the sales clerk. “Divorce Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”