Jokes News

It was the 18th birthday of three beautiful triplets, and for their birthday their mom brought them three male prostitutes. While they were having sex in different rooms their mom, goes to the first room and hears, one daughter screaming, goes to the other room and hears the other moaning, then went to the final room and heard nothing.

The next day, she asked her first daughter why she was screaming and she replied, “It hurt mommy.” Then she asked her other daughter why she was moaning and she replied, “Because it felt good mom.” When she came to her last daughter and asked her why she heard nothing, the daughter replied in an outrage, “But mom, didn’t you tell me not to talk with my mouth full!”

April 26, 1999

Why I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn’t feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me.

She didn’t even say “Good Morning,” let alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that’s wives for you.

The children will remember.” The children came in to breakfast and didn’t say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, “Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday.”

And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon.

About noon, Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside and it’s your birthday, let’s go to lunch, just you and me.”

I said, “By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go.”

We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?”

I said, “No, I guess not.”

She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.”

After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”

“Sure,” I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out…carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends.

All were singing Happy Birthday.

… and there on the couch I sat…

… with nothing on but my socks……

My wife was angry at me yesterday when I told her that her birthday present would be late. The damn Domino’s driver was caught in rush hour traffic.

There are two men, Harold and Troy, sitting in the coffee shop one evening. Troy says “It’s my wife’s birthday today. I bought her a new car and a diamond ring.” Harold replies, “why’d you buy her both?”
Troy said, “’cause if she doesn’t like the ring, she can always use the car to drive somewhere
& exchange the ring for something she really likes.” Waiting for a response, He asked Harold, well, what did you get your wife for her birthday? he said,”i got bettya pair of slippers and a dildo.” Troy asked him, what the hell kinda’ gift is that?” Harold says,”Well, I figured it this way…If she didn’t like the slippers, she could always go fuck herself!”

Yo mama is so fat….. When she jumped out of my birthday cake I wanted my money back.

Yo mama wear so much make up last time we went to the circus they let her in free cause they thought she was part of the clown act.

Yo mama is so fat she buys lingerie at Sea World

A couple had been married for 35 years, and the pair was also celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.

The wife said she wanted to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her magic wand and BOOM! The wife had the tickets in her hand.

Then it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said boldly, “Well, I’d like to have a wife 30 years younger than I.” The fairy godmother picked up her wand and BOOM! He was now 90.

A preacher buys his son a toy airplane for his birthday. They put the plane together and took it out for a test fly. The little boy threw the plane up, it hit the ground, and was smashed into little pieces. The little boy turned to his father with a face of red and says, “I’ll be damned!”

His father, being a preacher says, “Son, don’t curse, when things go wrong, say Jesus”.

So the little boy took his father’s advice and said Jesus. The plane came back together just like it was never broken and the little boy’s father says, “Well I’ll be damned”!

What do you give “The Man Who Has Everything” for his birthday???

Crack! Next year he’ll have nothing.

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas.”

Christmas came around, and Johnny asked: “Dad, can I get the bike now?”

The father said, “Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time.”

A week late the father saw Johnny walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.

“Where are you going Johnny?” the father asked.

“Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said, ‘Wait, I am coming too!’ and DAMN if I’ll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!”

Last Saturday night to celebrate my birthday, my sister-in-law phoned a few of my friends and took me to a male strip club. I have to admit, some of these guys are quite attractive.

To get the evening moving, my sister-in-law Angela started waving a ten-dollar bill, and a male dancer came right up to us. She licked the bill and stuck it on his butt, and this guy started gyrating right in her face. My friend Jane was getting pretty turned on so she took out a fifty, licked it a slapped it on his other butt cheek.

Everyone was looking at me, waiting to see what I’d do.
I was really embarassed because all I had was my bank ATM card. I swiped it down his buttcrack, grabbed the sixty bucks and went home.