Jokes News

A car is crossing a large bridge when a policeman pulls him over.

“Congratulations!” the officer says. “This is the 250,000th car to cross this bridge and you’ve won $250,000.”

“Great!” the man says, “Now I can finally get my drivers-license!”

His wife, sitting next to him hits him on the head and says to the officer, “Don’t mind him, he always lies like this when he’s drunk!”

And Grandma, who was sleeping in the back of the car, finally wakes up and yells to the man and woman:
“See ? I told you, you’ll never get far in a stolen car !”

How do you know a guy’s got a high sperm count?

A. When his dates have to chew before swallowing.

A guy on a date parks his car and gets the woman in the back seat. They make love, but the woman wants it again and the guy complies. She wants more so they do it again, but she still wants more. Exhausted, the guy says, “Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself.”

While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat. He asks the man, “Look, I’ve got this gal in my car and I’ve given it to her four or five times and she still wants more. I’ll change your flat if you’ll take over for me.”

So the man agrees & gets into the car. He is just getting into “high-gear” when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.

The cop asks, “What are you doing in there?”

The guy says, “I’m making love to my wife.”

The cop asks, “Why don’t you do that at home?”

The guy answers, “To tell you the truth, I didn’t know it was my wife until you shined the light on her.”

Q: Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, the perfect woman & the perfect man all stop at the same time at an intersection. Who goes first?

A: -The perfect woman. The other three don’t exist.

The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug.

“Don’t worry,” the gruff looking fellow said, “I’m in here for a white collar crime, too.”

“Well, that’s a relief.” sighed the stockbroker. “I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading.”

“Oh nothing fancy like that for me,” grinned the convict. “I just killed a couple of priests.”

This mangy-lookin’ guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.” The guy says “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?” The bartender says “Only if what you show me ain’t risque.”

“Deal!” says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.” The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

“Money or another miracle else no drink,” says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender says to the guy, “Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!”

“Not so,” says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist!”

Mr. Reiss got himself a new secretary. Maggie was young, sweet and polite. She was also quite witty.

One day while taking dictation, Maggie noticed his fly was open and, on leaving the room, she said “Oh, Mr Reiss, did you know that your barracks door is open?”

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in, he asked “By the way, Miss Bolt, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you see a soldier standing at attention?”

“Why, no, Mr. Reiss,” she replied. “All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags.”

I. A termite walks into a tavern and says: “Where’s the bar tender.”

II. A horse walks into a tavern and says: “Hay, Bartender.”

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Why did the condom fly?

Because it got pissed off.