Jokes News

In light of the rising frequency of human-grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of fish and game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions while in the field.

They have advised that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle the bears. They further advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear droppings, and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and will contain lots of berries, and squirrel fur.

On the other hand, grizzly bear droppings has little bells in it, and smells like pepper.

An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit, when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.

The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again–even more slowly. Another flash! He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

“This guy must have screwed up the settings,” the off-duty officer thought. He planned to mention the problem to his supervisor when he got to work, but forgot.

A few weeks later, he received the violations in the mail and discovered he had three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!!!

What did President Clinton say to one of his new interns?

Gee……I don’t think I’ve come across your face before.

Uses for Viagra not only include the obvious, but it can be used for several other tasks.

1. Not able to find that belt or suspenders? Take some Viagra and that erection will keep up those pants.

2. Uh-oh, so you lost that baseball bat…

3. Don’t you hate it when you roll off of bed when you’re sleeping? Don’t worry, with viagra it will be impossible for you to roll off.

4. So you lost that battering ram…

5. Oh no! That lightning rod you had was knocked over by high speed winds! Well, no problem with Viagra.

6. Want to impress your friends with that extra long schlong?

7. So you don’t have a girlfriend for that BJ you wanted…No problem. With Viagra, you can now reach it yourself.

8. What ever happened to that bird stand you had? Oh well with Viagra you have a free replacement.

9. Masturbation couldn’t be easier!

10. If you are a skateboarder, you know how hard it is to find a decent rail to grind on. Well, if one of your friends is willing, you can grind on his erection! It may hurt a little, but you and your friends could switch off.

The following is submitted, exactly as authored, but a “translation” follows:

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The symbols above are called “DINGBATS”. Each Dingbat has a NAME. When you speak the name of the symbols, the following “poem” results:

Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash,

Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash,

Bang splat equal at dollar under-score,

Percent splat waka waka tilde number four,

Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,

Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH!

On one spring day there was this eighty-five year old man and eighty year old woman who had just gotten married.

On their way to their honeymoon the old man looks at his new bride and thinks to himself, after all these years he is finally going to get laid again.

When they finally arrive at the hotel the old couple starts to unpack. At that time the wife decides to go the bathroom to freshen up. While she is gone the old man keeps going through his mind on after all these years he is finally going to get laid.

When his wife comes out of the bathroom the old man decides that he should go freshen up as well before going to bed. All this time while he is combing what little hair he has he keep thinking on how after all these years he is finally going to get laid.

As he starts to walk toward the bed he comes to a complete halt. He sees that his new wife is on the bed standing on her head with her legs open. He bends to one side and asks, “Dear, what are you doing?”

The wife replies, “Well, dear I figured if you couldn’t get it up you could just drop it in.”

There were three Indian ladies. All had husbands with the same first name, Stanley.

They decided one day that their husbands could use a nickname so they could tell them apart easier.

The first Indian lady wanted to call her Stanley “Mountain Dew”.

“Why do you want to call him Mountain Dew?” the two other ladies asked.

“Because everytime we go to the Mountains he wants to do me!!”

The next Indian Lady decided she wanted to nickname her Stanley, 7UP.

“Why do you want to call him 7UP?” the other two asked.

“Because he’s up 7 days a week!!” she replied.

The last Indian lady decided to nickname her Stanley, Johnny Walker.

“Why Johnny Walker?” the other two asked.

“Because he’s a hard liquor!!”

YO MOMMA SO STUPID SHE GAVE YOUR UNCLE A BLOW JOB BECAUSE HE SAID IT WOULD HELP HIS UNEMPLOYMENT.