Jokes News

A group of friends, who prided themselves on their intelligence, set out to have a contest of wits. Each person in turn asked a question and anyone who volunteered an answer that was wrong dropped out. If no one could answer, the questioner himself had to answer, and if he was wrong, he dropped out. Each dropout had to put $5 into the pot.

Eventually, the matter boiled down to Jason and Dean, and the erudition of each one boiled up so that both were held even for half an hour.

Finally, Jason said, “How does a gopher dig a hole without leaving a mound of dirt at the lip?”

Dean thought about that and said, “I can’t answer that. However, since it’s your question, you had better answer it.”

Jason said, coolly, as he reached for the accumulated pile of bills, “Easy. The gopher starts at the bottom of the hole, and that’s where he leaves the dirt.”

“Hold on,” said Dean, heatedly, grasping Hason’s wrist to prevent him from taking the pot. “How does the gopher get to the bottom of the hole in the first place?”

“That’s YOUR question,” said Jason, as he took the money.

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10

2. When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” don’t answer him. - Michael, 14

3. Never tell your mom her diet’s not working. - Michael, 14

4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9

5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13

6. Don’t squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13

7. Don’t pull dad’s finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10

8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
- Taylia, 11

9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14

10. Don’t sneeze in front of mom when you’re eating crackers.
- Mitchell, 12

11. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
- Andrew, 9

12. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.
- Kyoyo, 9

13. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Armir, 9

14. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
-Kellie, 11

15. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse.
- Naomi, 15

16. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9

17. Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10

18. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom
when she’s on the phone. - Alyesha, 13

19. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8

Dave had tried to be particularly careful about his language, as he played golf with his preacher. But on the twelfth hole, when he twice failed to hit out of a sand trap, he lost his resolve and let fly with a string of expletives.

The preacher felt obliged to respond. “I have observed,” he said, in a calm voice, “that the best golfers do not use foul language.”

“I guess not,” said Dave. “What the hell do they have to cuss about?”

What’s the difference between “Ooooooh!” and “Ouch!”?

A: One inch!

I was puzzled when a friend with a local newspaper remarked: “I think I’ll take a look at who has given up smoking today.”

Thinking that the paper had come up with a novel, human-interest column, I peered over his shoulder, only to find that he was looking at the death notices!

This cowboy wants to go into the calf business but needed a bull to get things started. He calls up his banker and the banker floats him a loan.

Around 6 weeks later, the banker calls the cowboy back and asks him how the bull is performing. Well the cowboy replies that the bull could be a dud and the banker told him to get the vet out there pronto to see if he could the bull to start producing.

Well the banker calls back in another 6 weeks to check up on the old boy. “Has that bull started to work yet?” the banker asks. “He sure has,” replies the cowboy. “He has mounted everything on my place, knocked down the fences all around me and has mounted all the neighbors stock.”

“What did the vet give the bull?” the banker asked.

“I really don’t know,” the cowboy replies. “But it tastes kinda like chocolate.”

A few days before his proctologic exam, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for awhile, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor’s office, the man followed the doctor’s instructions, undressed and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man’s rear was that glass eye staring right back at him!

Taken aback, the doctor said, “You know, you really must learn to trust me.”