Jokes News

Three men were driving through the country when their truck broke down. It was bad weather and they had no place to go.
Of course the farmer came along and said they could spend the night with him under one condition. He had a son who had no ears and got very upset if anything was said about it.

Later that evening at dinner one of the men kept staring at the boy. The boy, getting upset, asks “What are you staring at?”

The man says, “Oh, it’s your teeth, your teeth are so pretty, and make sure you take care of them or they will end up just like mine!” and he takes his teeth out.

The second man kept staring and staring at the boy. The boy getting more upset asks the man “What are you staring at?”

“Oh,” the man says, “It’s your hair, you have the prettiest hair I have ever seen, and make sure you take care of it or it will end up just like mine!” and he takes his wig off.

The third man kept staring and staring and the boy was really irritated at this point and says, “What the hell are you staring at?”

“Oh,” the man says “It’s your eyes, you have the prettiest eyes I have ever seen and make sure you take care of them because you don’t have any ears to put glasses on.”

There was a blonde nurse that worked at a nursing home. She came into the nursing home one morning with this red permanent marker in her breast pocket.

The CNA said to her, “Why are you carrying around a red permanent marker in your pocket?”

Then she looks at the CNA and adds: “I carry around the red pen in case I have to draw blood!”

In the first presidential debate, Gore was considered “too pushy”. In the second debate, he was regarded as “too passive.”

After the third debate, I think we will all know the final analysis: “Too pussy.”

One fellow walks up to another and says “Say, how are you doing?”

The other chap says “Geez, I’m really tired”.

The other man says, “Really, how come?”

“Well, my girlfriend and I agreed that we won’t go to bed angry at each other”.

The other chap says “so?”

“…I’ve been up since Tuesday”….”

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. “No woman,” said one man, scornfully, “can keep a secret.”

“I don’t know about that,” huffily answered a woman guest. “I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.”

“You’ll let it out some day,” the man insisted.

“I hardly think so!” responded the lady. “When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.”

Two golfers are waiting their turn on the tee when a naked woman runs across the fairway and into the woods.

Two men in white coats and another guy carrying two buckets of sand are chasing her, and a little old man is bringing up the rear.

One of the golfers grabs the old man and says, “What the hell is going on?”

The old guy says, “She’s a nymphomaniac from an asylum, she keeps trying to escape, and us attendants are trying to catch her.”

The golfer says, “What about the guy with the buckets of sand?”

The old guy says, “That’s his handicap. He caught her last time.”

Saturday morning, Phil arrives at the club for a golf date when he remembers that he forgot to let his wife know that Sears is delivering the new couch around noon. He picks up the phone in the lounge and calls home.

“Hello”, says a little girl’s voice.

“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy. Can I speak to Mommy please.”

“No, Daddy, she’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Ted.

This stops Phil for a moment. “Sweetie, you don’t have an Uncle Ted.”

“Yes I do and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy.”

“Okay, here’s what to do, honey. Put down the phone, run upstairs and tell Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled in the driveway.”

“Okay, Daddy.”

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it, Daddy.”

“Good girl, and what happened?”

“Mommy ran into the bathroom with no clothes on, slipped on the rug and banged her head on the sink. Now she’s all dead.”

“Oh my God!!!” says Phil, “and what about Uncle Ted?”

“He jumped out the bedroom window into the swimming pool but must have forgot that you took all the water out and he hit the bottom and now he’s all dead too.”

“Wait a minute…we don”t have a swim…….ooops, sorry, wrong number.”

A Navy Admiral, a Marine General and an Army General were having some drinks at the officer’s club in a major military base. After a few rounds of iced tea, the Navy Admiral boasted, “You know, the Navy has the bravest fighting men ever to serve in the Armed Forces. I can prove it to you all.” Before the others could protest, the Admiral proceeded to phone his headquarter and asked for the best Navy Seal in his command to come to the officers’ club. The Marine General and the Army General also called for their best soldiers to come over to the officers’ club. Within a half an hour’s time, a Navy Seal, an Army Ranger and a Marine commando arrived one after the other at the officers’ club.

After the soldiers had saluted their commanders, the Navy Admiral instructed his man, “This is what I want you to do now… See that 100-feet steep cliff with an eagle’s nest on its top across the sea ?” He pointed through an window facing the sea. “I want you to swim across that shark-infested sea, scale that steep cliff and bring me a couple of bird eggs without a crack.” The Navy Seal said, “Consider it done, sir!”, gave a quick salute and ran outside the officers’ club. He then jumped into the shark-infested sea, swam across the sea fighting off the meanest sharks and proceeded to scale the cliff barehanded to reach the nest. Upon reaching the nest, he had to fight off an angry eagle to get the eggs. Then he returned via the same route and upon reaching the officers’ club, presented two uncracked eggs to the Navy Admiral who was beaming with pride.

The Marine General said, “That’s chicken feed. I will show who’s braver.” Turning to the Marine commando, the general said, “I want you swim across that shark-infested sea to that island just beside the steep cliff, run 4 miles through the jungle towards the highest mountain in the island and bring me two hawk eggs uncracked.” The Marine commando just grunted, gave a quick salute and raced out of the officers’ club. He then jumped into the shark- infested sea towards the island - fighting off hungry sharks along the way. He then raced through 4 miles of treacherous jungle fighting off tigers, wild boars and snakes along the way to reach the highest mountain on the island. He then found the nest of a hawk and proceeded to gather two eggs fighting off the angry hawk. Returning via the same route fighting off the usual predators, the Marine commando then presented two uncracked hawk eggs to the Marine General who was proud of his man’s daring feat.

The Army General then said, “You think that’s brave. Watch this.” Turning to the Army Ranger, he commanded, “I want you to do what the Navy Seal just did, then do what the Marine commando just did and bring back to me a pair of eagle eggs and a pair of hawk eggs with not a crack on these.” The Army Ranger looked at the general, then looked across the sea and looked back at the general. Instead of saying yes, he just shouted at the general, “SCREW YOU, SIR!”, gave a quick salute and walked out of the officers’ club.

The Navy Admiral and the Marine General were both aghast and dumbfounded at such behavior but the Army General just sighed, “That, my friends, is the bravest son-of-a-bitch of a soldier ever to serve in the armed forces!”

If a turtle loses its shell, is it homeless or naked?

There were two twins about to be delivered by mother. They were fighting inside the womb over who should go out first.

They were quarrelling over the issue and all of sudden there was a pin-drop silence inside the womb.

One of them murmured, “ss…sh, Keep quiet, Papa is coming in!”