Jokes News

I have a blonde friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was gone.

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn’t find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.

Sure enough, he hadn’t been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.

“Great!” he thought. “I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one’s even better because it locks . . .”

The following are my choices for whom I consider the three greatest men that ever lived:

First, George Washington, because he always told the truth;

Second, Adolf Hitler, because he always told a lie, and

Third, Bill Clinton, because he doesn’t know the difference!.

One day a boy came home from school with a problem. His dick was too big. He said to his mother, “Mom, my dick’s too big, what should I do?” She replied, “Ask your father about that.”

So, the boy entered the living room and said to his father, “Dad, my dick’s too big, what should I do?”

He answered, “Paint it red and call it your Little Red Mouse.”

The boy did as he was told and went to school the next day. Proud of his mouse, he let his dick hang out of his pants. His teacher noticed this and said, “What is that, young man?” He told her that it was his Little Red Mouse. The teacher then said, “Well, you and your Little Red Mouse are going to the Principal’s office.”

He walked towards the office, but stopped when he saw his girlfriend walking out of the bathroom. With a smile, she said, “What’s that?” He told her of his Little Red Mouse. To the boy’s surprise, his girlfriend lifted up her skirt and said, “Sick ‘em Pussy, sick ‘em!!!”

Now I know that alot of people think that the chicken crossed the road for personal gain and self revalation or whatever else…

But the real reason is simple.

So ask yourself

Why did the chicken cross the road?

And realize that the only true answer to the question is this.

To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.

There was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Red Head and they had a competition to swim breaststroke across the English Channel. So off they went.

15 hours later the Brunette and the Red Head got out of the water. 5 hours later the Blonde got out of the water. ‘I want to protest. I want a judge,’ she screamed

‘What for,’ they asked.

‘You two used your arms.’

Q: What do sex and pinochle have in common?

A: If you’ve got a good hand, you don’t need a partner.

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady. For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest… and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. “Time to take your temperature, General.” After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer. “Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end.” A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for. The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, “Stay exactly like that and don`t move. I`ll be back in five minutes to check up on you.” and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, “What`s going on here?” “Haven`t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?” the general barked.

“Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?”