Jokes News

Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife’s bedside table that said, “Wake me at six.”

An exasperated Mr. Smith woke at ten the next morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table: “It’s six, you bum! Get out of bed!”

1. Every time someone calls for a price check, start gobbling like a turkey and run up and down the aisle you’re in until someone asks you what’s wrong. When this happens, walk away passively, cursing under your breath that people are so weird these days.

2. When greeted with a friendly “hello” from your bag-boy, reply, repeating loudly: “No, my name’s not Fred!” while spinning around violently for 30 seconds straight. Try to walk out of the store in a straight line.

3. Squeeze every melon you can see, pretending that each is your boss’s fat head. Squeeze hard. Yell at the melon if you wish.

4. Ask everyone you pass if they’ll take you for a ride in their shopping cart. Smile widely as you speak, and attempt to pop your eyeballs out of your head too.

5. Dance and sing made up lyrics to the ever-playing elevator music as you pick out your tomatoes.

6. Add: “what?” to the end of ALL your sentences.

7. Call everyone “Kimosabi”.

8. Wear your halloween costume. Go with friends, make sure that they are dressed in plain clothes. Speak in a loud voice and strut around.

9. Buy milk and a box of cereal. Go sit in the middle of the pet food aisle and eat it out of the box with your bare hands.

10. Set up a bowling lane with ketchup bottles as pins, chuck grapefruits down the aisle. Watch the store manager’s neck vein pop.

11. Run through the aisles with a pasta strainer on your head, screaming: “The British are coming! The British are coming!”

12. Shoplift cantaloupes, two at a time, hiding them under your shirt. Drop them on the ground right outside the door, turn around, go back in, and take your next two…

13. Pretend that you are ambushing the enemy, and throw fruit at everyone that walks by, slyly hiding behind contest displays.

14. Grab handfuls of uncooked rice from the bulk food bins, and throw it at other customers, yelling: “Congratulations! Congratulations! Happy Honeymoon!” and wipe your eyes sadly.

15. Pick up a giant sausage, and have a mock sword-fight with it. Your opponent: the giant cardboard cutout of Ed MacMahon.

16. Poke the people serving food samples with a stick of french bread. When they turn around to ask you to stop, chase them around the store, waving the bread over your head at them.

17. Throw boxes of frozen TV dinners on the floor and ceremonially cover them in Cheeze Whiz sauce until you are forcefully ejected from the store.

18. Jump on the top of the orange stand and begin a strip dance using the oranges for props.

19. Buy 300 packs of chewing gum and one cantaloupe. Eat the cantaloupe whole (without peeling it) as you wait in line to make your purchase.

20. Try to balance as many packages of bacon as possible on your head. Wear a tutu and talk to the bacon. “Jetté! Jetté damn you!”

Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson’s house, Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. “He won’t get away with it this time,” muttered Robinson to his wife. “Watch this.”

“Er, I wonder if you’d be using your power saw this morning,” the neighbor began.

“Gee, I’m awfully sorry,” said Robinson, with a smug look, “but the fact of the matter is, I’ll be using it all day.”

“In that case,” said the neighbor, “you won’t be using your golf clubs. Mind if I borrow them?”

Farmer Brown wanted his daughter to marry into money so he put an ad in the local paper. The ad read, “Wanted, the richest man in town to marry my daughter.”

Now everyone in the town knew that Farmer Brown’s daughter was the most beautiful woman in the whole state so it was not long before the suitors were knocking at the door. Farmer Brown took all of their tax returns and narrowed the field to the 2 richest. It just so happened that these 2 had exactly the same amount of wealth so Farmer Brown decided that a contest should determine who would get his daughter.

He told the men that whoever was able to run across the field, jump the barbed wire fence, swim across the lake, hump the old cow in the pasture and run back in the shortest amount of time would win.

The first man took off, he flew across the field, jumped the fence and dove into the lake then he remembered that he could not swim. So it looked as if the contest was over, but Farmer Brown still wanted to make sure that his future son-in-law was fit to marry. So he told him that he would still have to complete the test.

Well the man took off with blinding speed. He jumped the fence and swam the lake in record time. He then performed his duty to the cow and ran on back. Farmer Brown was beaming. He turned to the man and said “Well, you won her fair and square, here she is.”

The man looked and Farmer Brown and said, “To hell with your daughter, how much you want for that cow out there?”

You measure distance in minutes.

Weather is 80% of your conversation.

“Down south” to you means Iowa.

Snow tires came standard on your car.

You have no concept of public transportation.

75% of your graduating high school class went to the University of Minnesota.

You know more than 1 person that has hit a deer.

People from other states love to hear you say words with O’s in them.

You know what and where Dinkytown is.

You have no problem saying or spelling Minneapolis.

You hate “Fargo” but realize that a lot of your family has that accent.

You get mad at people who think Fargo is in Minnesota.

Your school classes have been canceled because of snow or cold.

You know what “Mille Lacs” is, and how to spell it.

You assume when you say “The Cities,” people know to what you are referring.

You know what the numbers 694, 494, I-94, 394 mean.

You have tried boiled fish in lye at Christmas.

You know the 2 sports-related reasons why we hate Dallas.

Nothing gets you madder than seeing a Green Bay sticker on a MN car.

You know what “uff-da” means and how
to use it properly.

You can spot the three-second cameo appearance by “The Artist formerly known as Prince” in Fargo.

You’re a loyal Target shopper.

You’ve licked frozen metal.

The only reason you go to Wisconsin is to get fireworks or to fish or to buy beer on Sunday.

You own an ice house, a snowmobile, and a 4 wheel drive vehicle.

You wear shorts when it’s 50 degrees outside in March, but bundle up and complain in August when it goes below 60.

You know people that have more fishing poles than teeth.

It feels like the Mississippi is everywhere you go.

You have gone Trick-or-Treating in 3 feet of snow.

You know what the word SPAM stands for (in more ways than one).

You carry jumper cables in your car.

You drink POP, not SODA.

In a conversation you heard someone say “yah, sure, you betcha” and you didn’t laugh.

Everyone you know has an “A-frame” cabin next to one of the 10,000 lakes.

You know that Lake Wobegon isn’t real and you know who made it up.

Voted for a pro wrestler for governor…..and he won.

You remember when it was so cold at International Falls, that the thermometer went NINE FEET UNDERGROUND.

Merchants slip Canadian coins into the change they hand you, so THEY don’t have to mess with them.

One day, a 17 year old girl was just dumped by her boyfriend. She was really bored, and sad, that she decided to go on the internet.

When she gets on, she meets a guy who is really addicted to cyber sex. He asks her to do it with him over the internet, and she agrees.

When they are done, they start talking about who they are, where they’re from, and stuff like that.

After a year of talking to each other, they decide it’s true love, and want to meet somewhere in Texas, at a fancy hotel.

They both agree, and then the man says “whoever is there first, light candles, and make the room very romantic”

The girl arrives first, and lights at least 20 candles. Then she strips down to nothing, and gets in the bed.

Five minutes later, the man comes in….she shrieks “DAD!!”

why are blonde jokes so short?

so men can understand them!!!

One fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men in single file.

Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

“My wife,” the man replied.
“I’m sorry,” said Bill. What happened to her?
“My dog bit her and she died.”
Bill then asked him who was in the second hearse.
The man replied, “My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.”

Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, “Can I borrow your dog? ”

To which the man replied, “Get in line. “

Q: Why do women like men in uniforms?

A: Because they are already used to taking orders.

There were three rich men: a Canadian, a Russian and an American.

The Russian bought a wooden toilet. The Canadian bought a marble toilet. The American bought a musical toilet.

The next day, the Canadian came back to complain and said, “I want a refund. Every time I use the toilet, I slip off it.”

The day after that, the Russian came to complain and said, “I want a refund. Every time I sit on the toilet, I get splinters in my bottom.”

The following day, the American came and said, “I want a refund. Every time I sit down, I hear my national anthem, and I have to stand up!”