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Your mama is so dumb,

She sold her car for gas money!

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. (yep!)
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED-She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. (Honk Honk!)
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes orally REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
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HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE
FACILITY
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER- He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK-He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL
INVERSION
He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC
MOMENT

A girl and her boyfriend were on a date. After a nice, leisurely lunch the girl turns to her boyfriend and asks, “So what do you want to do now?”

Without missing a beat and with a mischievous grin, the boyfriend responds, “You.”

A woman got home from work one-day and said “Honey pack your things I won the lottery”, the husband said “Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?” She said “I dont care just get the hell out!

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says “Pierre, kiss me!”

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie’s lips. “What are you doing, Pierre?” says the startled Marie.

“I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!” She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.”

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. “Pierre! What are you doing?” asks the bewildered Marie.

“I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!”

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me lower!”

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously,

“PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?”

Our hero stands up defiantly and says, “I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!”

A forest ranger is making rounds in a remote part of the wooded reserve when he comes across an unkempt man, sitting at a make-shift campfire, and, to the ranger’s astonishment, eating a fish and a bald eagle.

The man is consequently put in jail for the crime. He was soon brought to trial for his crime.

The Judge asked the man, “Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?”

“Yes, I do, Judge,” replied the man, “but if you will let me argue my case, I’ll explain what happened.”

“You may proceed.”

“I got lost in the woods and hadn’t had anything real to eat for two weeks,” the man explained. “I was so hungry, I was eating plants to stay alive. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake grabbing a fish. I thought ‘if I startled the eagle, I could maybe steal the fish.’ Low and behold, the eagle lighted upon a nearby tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and it killed him. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I had killed it, I might as well eat it, since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground.”

The Judge says he will take a recess to analyze the defendant’s testimony. Fifteen minutes goes by, and the Judge returns.

“Due to the extreme circumstances you were under and because you didn’t intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges.” The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: “If you don’t mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?”

“Well, Your Honor, it is hard to explain. I guess the best comparison I can make is, it’s a bit more tender than a California Condor, but lacks the tang of a Spotted Owl.”

An old man and a old woman get married. After the reception, they go to their hotel room. The old man is waiting in bed as his new wife removes her clothes.

As soon as she is ready, she says, “Now, we have to be careful, I have acute angina.”

The old man says, “You better, because you sure have some ugly tits!!”

What would Jerry Rice do if he killed 3 people?

Set a new NFL record.