Jokes News

There was a young priest and an old priest, and one day the old priest ask the young priest over for dinner.

The old priest had a beautiful young housekeeper and the young priest kept asking the old priest if he had ever slept with her. The old priest said that he had never, and would never, sleep with her.

The next day, the housekeeper noticed that a very expensive gravy ladle was missing.

She assumed that the young priest had taken it, and told the old priest. He responded by writing a letter to the young priest that said, “I am not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I am not saying you didn’t. But if you know where it is, please tell me.”

The young priest wrote a letter back that said, “I am not saying that you do sleep with your housekeeper, and I am not saying you don’t. But if you slept in your own bed, you would know where your gravy ladle was.”

Hillary Rodham Clinton, role model for women who scare their husbands into cheating everywhere, has decided to have a trial separation from hubby Bill. She reportedly said that she has enough embarassment from living through a year long scandal, woman after woman, a rape charge, and having to watch Bill run to McDonalds in those really tight shorts.

Hillary decided to separate herself from Bill, after trying for 17 years to separate him from evey other woman in Arkansas. She also complains that many of Bill’s employees say that he is a good guy, and they are happy most of their work isn’t taxable because thier work is all under the table.

In Bill’s Defense: OK, now all of us moral people complain that Bill is a lying, draft dodging, immoral, sex crazed lunatic, but put yourself in his shoes. Now if you were married to Hillary… you would do anything, include date every woman you see, because if I was married to Hillary, I’d consider Monica Lewinsky a hottie also. That is no excuse for his actions, but I understand.

A guy who’s very sensitive to the motion of the sea finally gives in to the desires of his new woman. He goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his new girlfriend. She’s promised that she’ll “make it well worth the struggle.”

A couple of days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been cancelled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says, “OK,” and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine for the struggle and three condoms for the pay off.

Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise.

The guy says he’ll take it. He returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book the full eight-day cruise. The guy says, “OK,” and goes back to the drug store and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

Finally, the pharmacist asks, “Look, if it makes you sick, how come you keep doing it?”

Yo Mamma’s so fat every time she turns around it’s her birthday!

A young boy walked into the living room and saw his dad sitting on the couch drinking a beer.

The boy asked, “Dad, can I have a beer?”

The dad replied, “Well, can you touch your dick to your ass?”

The boy answered, “Well, no.”

“Then you can’t have one.” the dad said.

The next day, the boy walked into the living room again and saw his dad sitting on the couch smoking a cigarette.

The boy asked, “Dad, can I have a cigarette?”

The dad replied, “Can you touch your dick to your ass?”

Again, the boy answered, “Well, no. ”

“Then you can’t have a cigarette.” the dad said once again.

The next day the dad walked into the living room and saw , the boy sitting on the couch with a bag of cookies.

The dad asked, ” Son, can I have a cookie?”

The boy replied, “Well, can you touch your dick to your ass?”

“As a matter of fact,” the dad said, “Yes I can.”

The boy said, “Well you can go screw yourself but you can’t have my cookies!”

HOW TO CATCH A POLAR BEAR?

Cut a hole in the ice of a lake. Take a bag of peas and put the peas in a circle around the hole in the ice.

When the Polar Bear comes to take a pea, kick him in the ice-hole.

President Bush was looking for a call girl and he found three such ladies in a local bar: a blonde, a redhead and a brunette.

To the blonde, he said, “I am the President of the United States of America. How much will it cost me to spend some time with you?”

The blonde replied, “For you, Mr. President, it will cost $500.00.”

To the redhead he asked the same question. She replied, “I will spend all the time you want for $1,000.00.”

When he approached the brunette he asked the same question. She said, “If you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes, get your pants as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as times are now and screw me as well as you do the public, believe me, it won’t cost you a damn thing!”

Q: What hits more balls than Pete Sampras?

A: Elton John’s chin.

So this little, tiny guy walks into his doctor’s office screaming, “Doctor! Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!!!”

The doctor says, “I have to deal with this other patient first and then I’ll get to you.”

The little guy screams, “But doctor!! I’m SHRINKING!!”

Exasperated, the doctor says, “Well I’m sorry, you’ll just have to be a little patient!”

A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him she needs to file taxes.

The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”

The woman replies, “I’m a whore.”

The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.”

The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.”

“No, that’s still too crude. Try again.”

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.”

The accountant asks, “What has that got to do with with being a whore or a prostitute?”

“Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”