Jokes News

One day there were a bunch of gay guys just sittin’ around in a hot tub, talking. One of them sees a condom float up to the top. What does he say?

Answer: WHO FARTED?

Three ministers and their wives took a vacation together. On the way they were involved in a car crash which killed all six.

Upon arriving at the gates of Heaven the first minister walked straight up to Peter and said, “I, my friend have dedicated my life to all that is good. Surely I can enter.”

Peter explained, “You, my friend, had such a lust of money, that you would not marry untill you met your wife, Penny. You do not belong here. To damnation, you go.”

The second minister says to Peter, “My good friend, I have been the upmost person of faith in my time as mortal. Surely, in your heart, you know that this is true.”

“Hold on”, said Peter. “You have craved alcohol in your whole time of being, that you would not marry until your wife, Ginny, stammered into your life. Away to eternal flame you go!”

The third minister walked up to Peter, looked at him, and then turned to his wife and said, “Come on, Fanny, we’re out of here.”

YA MOMA SO BALD YOU CAN SEE WHATS ON HER MIND.

The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognise any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre rifle was used to shoot it.

This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced. “Springbok”. Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared. “And shot with a .22 rifle”. The others could not believe it (he was right, of course) and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him.

So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the boot of his car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Kalahari Lion” and fingering the bullet hole, said “and the rifle was a .308″ and he was right again.

This, of course, was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, everytime against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, stoned out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife. “Listen I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?” .

And his wife replied angrily. “From me, of course.”

“But what did I do?” he asked.

She replied, “You got into bed and put your hand down inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a loud triumphant tone: ‘Skunk, killed with an axe.’”

Two Texans were having lunch at their favorite restaurant when they noticed a young woman at the next table having trouble breathing.

One of the Texans got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his big Texan hands and said, “Kin ya swaller?” She shook her head ‘no.’

“Kin ya breath?” Again she shakes her head ‘no.’

The Texan grabs her around the waist with one of his big Texan hands, turns her over, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and licks her right on the bottom! Of course the young woman was so shocked that she coughed causing the food to dislodge. The big Texan pulls up her panties, pulls down her skirt, turns her right side up, tips his hat and returns to his seat.

His companion is sitting there stunned. “I have never seen anything like that in my whole life!” he says to his heroic friend.

“Yeah, I tell ya, that Hind Lick maneuver works every time!”

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!”

The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let’s have a word with him.”

“Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

The greenskeeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, “That’s so sad. I think will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”

Mc Donalds 555-7712
*Paula 555-3258
**Linda 555-6598
Hardees 555-8877
Rib Crib 555-4123
Pizza Hut 555-7413
Escorts-R-Us 555-3298
The Bong Barn 555-9513
***Monica 555-3589

You might be a Redneck if you think the Nutcracker is something you do off the highdive.

You might be a Redneck if someone hollers “Hoedown” and your girlfriend falls to the floor.

You might be a Redneck if you own a home that is mobile and 14 cars that aren’t.

If you have been married 3 times and you still have the same in-laws, you might be a Redneck.

If your grandma can properly execute the Sleeper hold. You might be a redneck.

If the most common phrase in your house is “Somebody go jiggle the handle!”…you might be a Redneck.

If your dog passes gas and you claim it…you might be a redneck.

If you refer to your wife and mother in law as Dual Air Bags. …you might be a Redneck.

If your wife has ever said “Move this transmission so I can take a bath”…you might be a Redneck.

An astronaut landed on the moon and after exiting his spacecraft was leisurely exploring the moon’s surface. As he rounded a large boulder he came upon a beautiful girl standing next to a large black cauldron, the contents of which she was stirring with a long spoon.

“Hello!” said the astronaut, “I am from the earth. What are you doing?”

“Hello,” replied the moon maiden. “I live here on the moon and I am making a baby.”

“How interesting!” responded the astronaut. “Perhaps you would like to see how we make babies on earth?”

“Why, yes!” replied the moon maiden. “That would be interesting.”

The two proceeded to make love earth-style. After the astronaut had finished he asked,”Well, what did you think?”

“It was very nice,” replied the moon maiden. “But where is the baby?”

“Oh, the baby won’t be along for nine months!” answered the astronaut.

“Then why did you stop stirring?” she asked.

A frustrated wife sent a desperate letter to the advice column of her local newspaper.

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Dear Gabby,

I have a very loving husband. He loves me day and night. He loves me while working, sleeping, eating — anywhere and anytime. What should I do?

Signed,
Frustrated Wife

P.S. Sorry for the jerky handwriting.

—————————
Dear Frustrated Wife,

Stop complaining and get a typewriter.

-Gabby