Jokes News

Once there was a man who went to play golf with his priest.

He was on the third hole and only 3 feet away from the hole. He putted his shot and missed. “God Damn it!” the man yelled. The priest replied that it was a sin to say God’s name in vain. The man saw that his priest was correct and apologized.

Later he was on the 15th hole and only 2 feet away, when he missed the shot and yelled “God damn it!” The priest replied that it was a sin to speak of God in vain. The man realized his mistake and that his father was right and apologized.

Later after that he was on the 18th hole and if he made a 6 inch put he would win the entire game. He of course missed and as before yelled “God damn it, I missed!” The priest was disturbed as times before and angrily shook his head as he was about to speak.

Just as the priest was correcting the man and said, “It is a….” A huge bolt of lightning came down from the skies and struck the priest dead on the spot. Then came a huge rumbling voice that shuck the ground as it said, “God damn it, I missed!”

The final decision of the Clinton Impeachment Trial is as follows:

One more whore, then we get Gore!

“I Got Pregnant During A Computer Sex Chat!”

Frazzled Frances Wyndham believes the father of her unborn child is sitting behind a computer 1,500 miles away — where he got her pregnant during an online sex chat!

“His words were so convincing it felt like we were actually having sex,” Frances claims. “I could hear bells ringing and fireworks going off. My body reacted accordingly, and I became pregnant with his child. I know it sounds hard to believe, but I haven’t had sex with anyone else in over two years. So who else could it be?”

Clarence Kudrow, the man she says impregnated her, is flabbergasted by Frances’ charges — especially since she’s threatening to file a paternity suit. “I haven’t been anywhere near Colorado in my life,” said the 27 year old technician from Buffalo, N.Y. Incredibly, Dr. John Swall, a leading expert in unusual pregnancies, says Francis Wyndham may be right.

“If she had sex two years ago, there is a 5-million-to-one chance that some of the sperm survived but became dormant. Her high state of sexual excitement during the computer session could have helped revive what we call ’sleeping sperm,’ that resulted in pregnancy. But to say Mr. Kudrow is the father is ridiculous.”

There are only 18 known cases of ’sleeping sperm’ pregnancy over a 25 year period in the United States. One Ohio widow got pregnant with her husband’s baby nearly 38 months after they had sex for the last time before he died.

Frances, a 26 year-old store clerk, met Clarence in an Internet chat room for singles. They later began having intimate conversations with each other over their computers. “It’s the only explanation for my pregnancy,” Frances said.

Mark Twain’s wife did her best to censor the more colorful aspects of her husband’s language. One morning he cut himself shaving and cursed long and loud. When he stopped, his wife tried to shame him by repeating to him verbatim all the profanities that he had just uttered. Twain heard her out and then remarked, “You have the words, my dear, but I’m afraid you’ll never master the tune.”

This man came home from work and asked his wife if they could have pork (other white meat) for dinner.

The wife said that they are already having chicken and that chicken is better for them. He didn’t want to argue so instead of fighting he settled for chicken.

He saw a commercial on t.v for a hypnosis that you can use in someone’s sleep. So every night for the next two weeks he stayed up for 2 hours and whispered in her ear PORK. PORK.

So it has been 2 weeks and he was just coming home from work and his wife was there waiting for him at the door. She said, “Honey I have something special tonight for you. He asked what with a grin on his face. Brand New FORKS!!!!!!

A newcomer to Seattle arrives on a rainy day. She gets up the next day and it’s raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that!

She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid. Out of despair, she asks, “Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?”

The kid says, “How should I know? I’m only 6.”

A man was paying his lawyer a visit. The lawyer said, “I have bad news and worse news for you.”

The man said, “Give me the bad news first.”

“Your wife has gotten hold of a picture worth half a million dollars!”

“That’s bad news? What could be worse than that?” asked the man.

“Well, it’s a picture of you and your secretary.”

Did you know that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom because it represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security, while you are being screwed!

Ted Kennedy approached President Clinton after hearing his address to the nation and said, “Mr. President, I just want you to know that if there’s anything I can do to help, anything at all, just ask.”

Clinton replied, “Could you drive Monica home?”