Jokes News

Pillsbury Dough Boy wanted for attempted murder

A lady named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open.

The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said, “Are you okay?”

The woman answered, “I’ve been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in.”

Linda didn’t know what to do, so she ran into the store, where store workers called the paramedics.

They had to break into the car because the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands.

A Pillsbury biscuit cannister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brains in.

I heard she would never say no,
Ten bucks for a really good blow.
When down on her knees,
I said, “Baby, please!
Too low! You’re sucking my toe!”

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, “We will all die some day, and none of us really knows when, but if we did, we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event.”

Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment.

Then the leader said to the group, “What would you do if you knew you had only four weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?”

One gentleman said, “I would go out into my community and tell the gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives.”

“Very good,” said the group leader, and all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.

One lady spoke up and said, enthusiastically, “I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction.”

“That’s wonderful!” the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.

But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, “I would go to my mother-in-law’s house for the four weeks.” Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader asked, “Why your mother-in-law’s home?”

Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, “Because that would be the longest four weeks of my life!”

What do you call a beautiful woman in Juneau, Alaska?

A tourist!

Q. Why does the easter bunny hide her eggs?

A: She doesn’t want people to know she had sex with a chicken.

Cat– The other white meat.

So many cats, so few good recipes.

The difference between a cat and a dog:
A dog comes when called, a cat takes a message and gets back to you.

There was once three black men. Two of them wanted to be white but the third insisted that color is no diffirence.

One day they were walking on a sandpath and found a lamp. They started rubbing it and a ginnie came out.

The ginnie granted one wish for each one of them.

The first, following his dream, wished to be white. With a snap of his finger, the ginnie turned him white.

The seconed wished for the same and turned white. The third black man, angry by his friends’ wishes, wished both of them to turn back to their original color!!!!

Q: What has four legs, is green, and smells like pussy?

A: A pool table at the White House

Two members of a country club, one a doctor, the other a lawyer, were having dinner in the lounge overlooking the golf course.

Midway through the meal, a lady who was a patient of the doctor, left her table and came over to the doctor.

“I’m sorry to interrupt your dinner, Doctor,” said the woman, “but I’ve had a terrible headache all day.”

“Well,” said the doctor, “I can’t really say what the problem is offhand, but you should go home, take a couple of aspirin, and go to bed. If it isn’t gone in the morning, call my office for an appointment.”

The woman thanked him and went back to her table. The doctor turned to his friend, the lawyer, and said, “Do you think I should send her a bill?”

“No,” said the lawyer.

The next day, a courier brought a bill to the doctor from the lawyer.

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the toothy reptile on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

“I’ll make you all a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the ‘gator will close his mouth for one minute.

He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my dick, unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmured its approval and acceptance. So the man dropped his trousers, balanced himself on the bar rail, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The ‘gator closed his mouth and the crowd gasped.

After a minute passed, the man grabbed a beer bottle, and whacked the alligator hard on top of its head. The gator’s mouth opened, and the man removed his genitals - unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks arrived.

After a bit, the man stood up and made the crowd another offer: “I’ll pay anyone here $100 who’s willing to give it a try!”

A hush fell over the crowd. Moments passed, and then the silence was broken with a voice from the back of
the bar.

An attractive woman timidly spoke up. “I’ll try”, she said, “but you have to promise not to hit me so hard on the head with that beer bottle.”