Jokes News

There are three guys that wanted to be priests.

So they go to a priest and ask, how can we be priests. The priest says, “Well, let me test you. Take off your clothes and put a belt around your pelvis so that it holds your penis down.”

So the men do it. The priest says, “Now here’s the test.” He opens a door and a gorgeous naked lady walks buy them.

The first two men’s belts pop off because of erections. The priest says, “You two are lustful and don’t deserve to be priests.”

The two guys say, “Let us try again please.” So the priest puts them to test again. They fail.

So they bend over to pick up their clothes and the third guy’s belt pops off.

What do you call one lawyer thrown off a bridge??

pollution

What do you call all lawyers thrown off a bridge??

solution

…You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!

…The sound of Fran Drescher’s voice doesn’t bother you.

…For breakfast, you’d rather have potatoes than grits.

…You can name at least 4 hockey teams.

…You don’t know what a moon pie is.

…You’ve never eaten Okra.

…You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.

…You don’t have any problems pronouncing “Worcestershire sauce” correctly.

…You’ve never had grain alcohol.

…You are familiar with all the rules to Lacrosse.

…You have no idea what a polecat is.

…Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.

…You don’t see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

…You’d rather vacation at Martha’s Vineyard than Six Flags.

…You don’t have a least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

…You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

…You refer to two or more people as “you guys”.

…You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

…You prefer a bagel over a doughnut.

…Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took place within the context of a football or hockey game.

…You don’t know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob)

…You get freaked out when people in public talk to you.

…You don’t know what a Piggly-Wiggly is.

…You think NASCAR stands for the North American Society for…(something)

…You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

…Your idea of a perfect meal is “Lahbsta and Clam Chawdah.”

…You use the horn in your car more than once or twice a year.

…Everything you know about the Civil War you learned watching TV.

…You don’t “reckon”.

…You’re not “fixin” to do anything.

…You don’t use paper sacks.

A penguin is driving in the middle of a desert and his car breaks down. Luckily he sees a gas station a little further down the road, so he coasts on in and tells the mechanic something is wrong with his car. Then he goes inside the gas station while the mechanic determines what’s wrong and buys an ice cream. The penguin walks out of the gas station and the mechanic says, “It looks like you blew a seal!” and the pengin replies, “No it’s just the ice cream.”

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. “T-square, do your stuff.” T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Spreadsheet, do your stuff.” Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said “What can your do ?” The Government Worker called to this dog and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.” Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workman’s Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

Children’s Books You Will Never See:

“You Were an Accident”

“Strangers Have the Best Candy”

“The Little Sissy Who Snitched”

“Some Kittens Can Fly!”

“The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion”

“How to Dress Sexy for Grownups”

“Getting More Chocolate on Your Face”

“Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her”

“The Attention Deficit Disorder Association’s Book of Wild Animals of
North Amer Hey! Let’s Go Ride Our Bikes!”

“All Dogs Go to Hell”

“The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking”

“When Mommy and Daddy Don’t Know the Answer They Say God Did It”

“Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia”

“What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?”

“Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?”

“Bi-Curious George”

“Daddy Drinks Because You Cry”

“Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver”

“You Are Different and That’s Bad”

I was at the golf course the other day, and I stepped on a rake and hit two of my best balls

While his wife is away a man decides to take the opportunity to paint the toilet seat.

His wife comes home sooner than expected, sits on the toilet seat, and gets it stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to take her to the doctor to get it removed painlessly. She puts on a large overcoat to cover herself and the seat and away they go.

When they get to the doctor’s office the man lifts his wife’s coat and asks the doctor if he has seen anything like this before.

“Well yes,” the doctor replies, “but never framed.”

What do you call a guy who shovels cement with a fork?

A Mortar Forker.

A new assessment exercise…

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Accounting.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

If they don’t even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

And if they’ve left early, put them in Sales.