Jokes News

A man walked into a bar and asked for a drink. He drank the drink and pulled something out of his pocket. He put the thing back into his pocket and asked for another drink. The bartender gave the man a drink. He drank it then pulled the thing out of his pocket and looked at it again. He put the thing back in his pocket and asked for another drink. The bartender said, “Not until you tell me what you keep looking at.”

The man said, “A picture of my wife”.

The bartender asked, “Why”?

The man said, “Because the drunker I get, the better she looks!!!!!”

Q: Whats the difference between a mother in law and bucket of shit?

A: The bucket.

Fred’s donkey had been acting weird for a few days, so he decided to take his donkey to the vet.

After a few tests the vet said the donkey had eaten something poisonous. The vet suggested that the donkey would need to have a depository put into his rectum.

Fred, not wanting to show his stupidity, said ok. Not having any idea on what a rectum was, he thought that once he saw this depository, he could figure it out.

The depository was rather large but Fred was determined. He started walking around his donkey observing. He lifted up the donkey’s ears, then he opened the donkey’s mouth, then he lifted up the donkey’s tail.

After about half an hour of repeating this process, he grabbed the donkey by the ears and looked him in the eye and said “If I cant find your rectum in the next 3 minutes I’m gonna shove this thing right up your ass.”

Q: Did you hear about the skinny guy who went to Alaska?

A: He came home a husky fucker.

Mommy! Mommy! what’s an orgasm .

I have no idea you’ll have to ask your father

So you think your life is bad.
Just think how bad the life of the egg is…

You only get laid once!
You only get eaten once!
It takes 4 minutes to get hard
2 minutes to get soft
You have to share a box with 11 other guys
And the only chick who ever sat on your face
was your mother.
(Now don’t you feel better)

Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library, the James Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, the George Bush Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

A man walks into the front door of a tavern, obviously drunk. He staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, belches, and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink and could not be served additional alcohol at this bar, and would he like a cab to be called for him. The drunk is briefly surprised, then quietly grumbles as he gets off the bar stool and staggers back out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely, but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his intoxication, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, grumbling and shaking his head.

After a few minutes, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and firmly tells the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in anguish, cries out, “MAAAN!! How many bars do you work at?”

The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine.

This was serious and written for male supervisors of women in the work force during World War II - a mere 54 years ago! Obviously, the intent was not to be “funny,” but by today’s standards, this is hilarious! For those of you with efficiency issues, pay attention to #8.
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Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees:

There’s no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage.

Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from Western Properties:

1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they’re less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn’t be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It’s always well to impress upon older women the
importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3. General experience indicates that “husky” girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.

5. Stress at the outset the importance of time - the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they’ll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can’t shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl’s husband or father may swear vociferously, she’ll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

11. Get enough size variety in operator’s uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can’t be stressed too much in keeping women happy.