Jokes News

A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first one…”This is for the shame”, and then the second one…”This is for the glory.” She then orders two more shots. She drinks the first one…”This is for the shame” and then the second one…”This is for the glory.”

She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her. “Ma’am, I was just wondering…what’s this about shame and glory.”

“Well,” she replies, “I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent over to pick something up, my great dane mounted me from behind.”

“That must be the shame,” the bartender said.

“No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked up and he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes.”

Some folks have it, some don’t. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don’t have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.

Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s an nifty toy, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don’t have it would like to try it.

It can be up or down. It’s more fun when it’s up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

Once you’ve started playing with it, it’s hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn’t have work to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what kind of person you’re dealing with until it’s too late.

If you don’t apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you’ll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp you behavior. Later you may ask yourself “why on earth did I do that?”

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same things it did before.

Taoism: Shit Happens
Confucianism: Confucius say, “Shit Happens”
Buddhism: If Shit Happens, it isn’t really Shit
Zen (Rinzai): What is the sound of Shit Happening?
Zen (Soto): Shit just Happens
Hinduism: This Shit Happened before
Sikhism: Leave our Shit alone
Jainism: Don’t accidentally swallow flies and Shit
Islam: If Shit Happens, it is the will of Allah
Nation of Islam: Don’t take no Shit!
Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Shit Happens, Rama Rama *ding ding*
Agnosticism: Does Shit Happen?
Atheism: No Shit!
Catholicism: Shit Happens because you are BAD
Protestantism: Catholics are full of Shit
Methodism: Let Shit Happen to somebody else
Calvinism: Shit Happens because you don’t work hard enough
Presbyterianism: This Shit was bound to Happen
Episcopalianism: If Shit Happens, hold a procession
Lutheranism: Shit Happens, but as long as you’re sorry, it’s OK
Anglicanism: Shit Happens, but only to Lutherans
Mormonism: Excrement Occurs
Baptist: You’re Shitting all wrong, and you’re going to hell for it,
too
Pentacostal: Praise the Shit!
Christian Science: Shit is all in your mind
Existentialism: What is Shit anyway?
Hedonism: There’s nothing like a good Shit Happening
Dadaism: Bathtub full of power tools
Jehovah’s Witness: Knock knock. Shit Happens!
Televangelism: Your tax-deductable donation can prevent this Shit from
Happening
Fundamentalism: There’s no Shit in the Bible
Creationism: Shit has only been Happening since October 23rd, 4004
B.C.
Judaism: Why does Shit always Happen to us?
Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives?
Moonies: Only happy Shit really Happens
Wicca: Shit is part of the Goddess, too
Paganism: Shit Happens for a variety of reasons
Pantheism: It’s all a bunch of Shit
Panentheism: Shit transcends us
Mysticism: This is some weird Shit
Unitarianism: Go ahead, Shit anywhere you want
Vegetarianism: If it Shits, don’t eat it
Scientology: All this Happens to be Shit
Church of the SubGenius: Shit has happened. For $20 “BoB” will sell you a way to MAKE MONEY FROM IT.
Discordianism: Hail Shit!
Seventh Day Adventist: No Shit on Saturdays
Amish: Shit is good for the soil
Stoicism: This Shit is good enough for me
Zoroastrianism: Shit Happens half the time
Rastafarianism: Let’s smoke this Shit
Voodoo: Let’s stick some pins in this Shit
Twelve Step Program: Shit Happens one day at a time
Environmentalism: Shit is biodegradable
New Age: It’s not Shit, it’s feldspar

Pick a number between 1 and 10. (Remember the number)

Double it.

Add 8 to the new number.

Divide that total by 2.

Subtract your original number.

You should now have a number between 1 and 8.

Match that number with its corresponding letter:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
A B C D E F G H

Now take that letter and think of any country in the world
that begins with that letter.

Take the second letter in that country’s name and think of an animal that begins with that letter.

Now think about the color of that animal.

Now think about the country you chose, the animal, and its color. Really concentrate.

OK, reading you loud and clear. You have an excellent mind. I’m getting your mental image of the gray elephants in Denmark.

How do you make a man happy?

Who cares!

According to the Starr Report, Monica’s nickname for Bill was “Handsome.”

Bill’s nickname for Monica?

“My little humidor”

Right around the New Year Kay decided she’d had enough of her cheating husband Ted. She’d caught him one too many times with his mistresses.

So one night Kay found some poor suckers to help her get back at her disloyal man.

She brought them home she started to fool around with them on the couch just to make sure Ted would see them. When Ted came home he stood with his mouth wide-open staring at his wife and the two strangers she had brought home, and said “Well gee, I know I have been unfaithful and not that great of a husband, but WHY TWO KAY?”

A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he is to be notified immediately.

After about a week of no news the business man receives a telegram:
“The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn’t show up, yesterday…”

My wife embarrassed me no end, the other day at the drugstore. She was pissed at me about something, so as we were standing near the Pharmacist, she shouted out, at the top of her lungs, “Hey! Do you have any ‘EXTRA SMALL’ condoms for my husband?”