Jokes News

It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr. John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily. “I’ve been saved.”
“Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” asked the old nun.

“Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”

“Did he now?” said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, “And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”

“Is that a fact?” said the old nun even more evenly.

“At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”

“That wicked old Devil!” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years.”

A blonde was working on painting her house when all of a sudden the ladder falls on top of her and she passes out.

Not remembering any thing about it, The blonde goes and scratches her self. She feels a pain and immediatley goes to her docter.

She sits down and the docter asks her what happened. Well docter, I was painting my house when the ladder fell on top of me and I passed out.That is all I remember.

Well then my dear, there is nothing the matter with you. Oh yes there is.Watch. ow. ow. ow. ow. ow. ow. ow. The blonde replies while poking her self.There is nothing the matter with you deer. Yes there is watch. Ow. ow. ow. ow. ow. ow. ow. ow. ow. ow. ow. ow. There is nothing the mater with you!!!…..Except for the fact that your finger is broken.

What do you call a blonde with one brain cell?

Gifted

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?

Pregnant

You might be a redneck if ….
1. You have a complete set of salad bowls that say “cool whip” on the side .
2. If the biggest city you have ever been to is wal-mart .
3. If you thought the unibomber was a wrestler .
4. If you use you ironing table as a buffet table .
5. If your neighbor thinks you’re a cop because you come home in a cop car every day .
6. If you have ever used a toilet brush cleaner for a back scratcher .
7.If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph .
8. If some one tells you , you have something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

Looking for some new investments? …..you may want to consider the following before you invest:

The U.S. Treasury has just announced that it will sell three new types of bonds:

1. The Al Gore bond, which has no interest.
2. The Monica Lewinsky bond, which has no maturity And…
3. The Bill Clinton Bond, which has no principle.

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they begin to get ready for bed but the man was not yet ready to slumber.

The man called over to his wife in the bathroom, “My little boopey-boo, I’m lonely.” As the woman crosses her room to the husband, she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.

The husband with a concerned look on his face says, “Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?” The women picks herself up and gets into the bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out to get a glass of water. As she is crossing the room, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.

The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and grunts, “Clumsy bitch.”

Three girl friends were talking about what to wear for an upcoming party. One of them said,”im going to wear the black dress cuz my husband’s hair is black”
The other girl said,”im going to wear the brown dress cuz my husband’s hair is brown.

The Blonde girl said” im going to go naked cuz my husband is bald.”

Sam was very proud of his Texas heritage and lived there until he died. When he arrived in heaven, St. Peter gave him the deluxe tour.

Behind the first door was a beautiful tropical beach. Sam poked his head in to look, but quickly announced that Galveston had nicer beaches. Behind the second door was the most mind-boggling amusement park ever imagined, but Sam said he was sure Dallas had more impressive parks.

After a dozen more such responses, an annoyed St. Peter pulled him to the edge of a nearby cliff overlooking Hell and shouted, “You see that enormous lake of fire and brimstone? Have you anything like that in Texas?”

“Well, no,” Sam replied sheepishly, “but I do know a guy in Houston who can put it out for you.”