Jokes News

whats the difference between a whore in a bath and a nun?

One has hope in her soul the other has soap in her hole

Unplugged.

I beleive in reincarnation, I think the “Where’s the Beef” lady came back as the Taco bell dog.

Yo Momma is so fat she got kidnapped and they could only put her picture on gallon milk jugs.

Kidnappers sent her back because they got tired of going food shopping.

The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, “Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I have mentioned you in my will.”

“That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added, “May I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change…”

Peter Penis has been working very hard for his boss, Vicki Vagina, and although afraid to confront her in person, he scribbles down the following reasons why he feels he deserves a raise.

1. Works hard to please her
2. Works at great murky depths
3. Occasionally works upside down, blood rushes to head
4. Works without air conditioning or ventilation
5. Works in hot, humid sticky climate.
6. Is on call nights, weekends and holidays
7. Has to support two nuts in family

Ms. Vagina denies his request for the following reasons.

1. Has plenty of time off
2. Does not always respond immediately to requests
3. Has no formal education
4. Falls asleep immediately after short work period
5. Shows no real loyalty to employer
6. Does not work unless pushed
7. Leaves workplace messy
8. Inclined to take early retirement

You know you should retire to Florida….

When your wife gives your favorite polyester leisure suit to Goodwill and a teenager shows up at your door wearing it on Halloween night.

When you throw away your alarm clock and let your bladder wake you up at 7am every morning.

When you mention Pearl Harbor to your Grandson and he says he heard of her didn’t she use to sing with a big band?

When you realize that you have underwear older than the quarterback on your favorite NFL team.

When you discover that the lifetime guarantees on everything you own has expired.

When you turn on your computer and DOS 3.5 comes up as your operating system.

When the kids at Burger King are getting paid more than you ever made per hour in your life.

When an aluminum walker becomes your main form of transportation.

When the only bird you can name is the Early Bird.

When you try to lick a stamp that is self-adhesive.

When you find you have a full-length beaver coat in your closet.

When the can of Coffee in your kitchen cupboard is Pre-Columbian.

When you find out the house next door sold for $250,000 and you paid only $18,000 for yours.

When all you ever watch on TV is the History channel and Turners Movie Classics.

When your Limo driver shows up at the front door in a new black suite and you think he’s the undertaker.

When all those brown spots on your arms and hands will not wash off.

When you drop off your teeth at the dentist’s office to be worked on.

When you have a key ring with over 30 keys on it and all you really use are two.

When your favorite shoes are white and your favorite slacks are lime green.

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you bothbetter be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”

The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, nuzzles them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s mouth is on the floor. He remarks, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turns to the young man and asks, “Can you top that?”

“No problem,” replies the young man, “just get that lion out of the way.”

There was a boy attending a government school and was failing math miserably. He wasn’t doing any homework, wasn’t studying and practically wasn’t devoting a single damn second of his life to this rather important subject.

His parents were extremely worried for their son’s welfare, and so decided to switch him to a private, catholic school.

His grades were affected instantly. He was winning national competions, was at the top of his math class and was voted in the top 10 math students in the state.

His parents were extremely surprised, but of course proud of their son and asked him why he was suddenly a top math student. He replied, “As soon as I got to this school they started teaching me how they nailed a man called Jesus to the plus sign, so I thought straight away, this school is pretty serious about their math!”