Jokes News

What’s the difference between broccoli and snot?

You can’t get kids to eat broccoli!!!

Two elderly, excited women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher. When this preacher condemned the sin of lust, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs…”AMEN, BROTHER!”

When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, they yelled again…”PREACH IT, REVEREND!”

And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying…they jumped to their feet and screamed, “RIGHT ON, BROTHER…TELL IT LIKE IT IS…AMEN!”

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet, and one turned to the other and said, “He’s done quit preaching and now he’s meddlin’.”

Question: How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ear pierced?

Answer: A buck an ear

Q: What is the meaning of a “BAD ACNE”?

A: It’s like waking up one morning in the park
and realizing that a blind man is reading your face

Your mama is so stupid she tried to drown a fish.

Your mama is so stupid she tried to throw a bird off a cliff.

A West Virginia State trooper pulls over a pickupon I-79. He says to the driver, “Got any ID?”

The driver says, “‘Bout what?”
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Q: Did you hear about the $3,000,000 West Virginia State Lottery?

A: The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
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Q: Why did O.J. Simpson want to move to southern West Virginia?

A: He heard that everyone has the same DNA.
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Q: Did you hear that the governor’s mansion in Charleston, WV burned down?

A: Yep. Prit’ near took out the whole darn trailer park.
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Q: What’s the best thing to come out of West Virginia?

A: I-64
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Two West Virginian’s meet while walking down the street. One is carrying a sack. One says, “Hey, Billy Joe, whatcha got in the bag?”

“Jus’ some chickens,” says Billy Joe.

“Iffin I guesses how many, kin I have one?”

“Heck fire, if ya guesses right, I’ll give ya BOTH of ‘em!”

“OK. Um…. Five?”
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Q: What do a divorce in southern West Virginia, a tornado in Kansas, and hurricane in Florida have in common?

A: Somebody’s fixin’ to lose them a trailer!
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Q: Why do folks in southern West Virginia go to the movie theater in groups of 18 or more?

A: ‘Cuz it says 17 and under not admitted.
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Q: Why don’t WVU football teams have ice on the sidelines?

A: ‘Cuz the guy with the recipe graduated.
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Q: How many WVU freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, that’s a second-year course.
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Q: How do you get a WVU graduate off your porch?

A: Pay him for the pizza.
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The WVU football team was placed in a remedial English class. The professor asked the class, “Does anyone know what comes after a sentence?” All of the players raised their hands.

“The appeal!” they shouted with Mountaineer pride.

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big dick or huge tits.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.

I’ve learned that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.

I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I’ve learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones who do.

I’ve learned that we don’t have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I’ve learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I’ve learned to say “Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke” in 6 languages.

Why do monkeys paint their nuts red?
To hide in the cherry trees.

What’s the loudest noise in the jungle?
Giraffes eating cherries

During the middle ages, a wealthy knight made a religious vow to join the Crusades in the fight to wrestle the holy land from the infidels. Since he would be away from home for at most ten years, he had a chastity belt fashioned for his young beautiful wife to wear during his long absence. He then summoned his most trusted squire to his chambers and handed the squire a key. The knight said, “That is the key to my wife’s chastity belt. Guard it well with your own life. If, for some unfortunate circumstance, I might never return after ten years, you have my permission to use the key to release my wife from the chastity belt.”

“I’ll guard this with all my life, sire!” said the faithful squire.

On the day of his departure, the knight dressed in his best armor from head to foot and heavily armed mounted his similarly armored horse and raced out of his castle to get to the seaport twenty miles away. When he reached the top of a hill, the knight stopped to take one last look at his beautiful castle. Then suddenly he saw a figure of a man running out of the castle and heading towards him at top speed. When the man got closer, the knight saw that the running man was his faithful squire.

The squire was waving his arms frantically and when he reached the puzzled knight, the squire said breathlessly, “Sire, I am glad to have caught up with you.”

“What is it? Is anything wrong with my wife?” asked the knight.

“No, sire, nothing is wrong with her. You just gave me the WRONG KEY …”

Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Peace Prize ?

‘Cause he was outstanding in his field.