Jokes News

An elderly spinster called a lawyer’s office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, “You must understand, I’ve lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don’t like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?”

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster’s home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer’s first question was, “Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you’d like them to be distributed under your will?”

She replied, “Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank.”

“Tell me,” the lawyer asked, “how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?”

The spinster said, “Well, as I’ve told you, I’ve lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I’d like them to notice when I pass on. I’d like to provide $35,000 for my funeral.”

The lawyer remarked, “Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me,” he continued, “what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?”

The spinster answered, “As you know, I’ve never married, I’ve lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I’ve never slept with a man. I’d like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me.”

“This is a very unusual request,” the lawyer said, adding, “but I’ll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you.”

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

She said, “I’ll drive you overtomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you’re finished.”

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster’s house and
waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn’t come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, “Pick me up tomorrow, she’s going to let the County bury her!”

Many years ago, a girlfriend of mine attempted to introduce “culture” into my dismal life, by taking me to our nation’s finest museums, art galleries and concert halls. I was genuinely impressed with her love of the arts, and made a serious attempt to learn, but I guess I forgot to mention to her that “creating humor” is ALSO an “art.”

On one journey to a nice art gallery, we marveled at a life-sized replica of the statue of the Venus de Milo. While staring at it, a museum guard strolled past us, his .38 caliber pistol secured inside his holster.

As he walked past the lovely statue of Venus, I couldn’t resist saying out loud, “DON’T SHOOT! SHE’S UNARMED!”

That was my LAST date with that young lady….

TOP 20 SIGNS YOUR LADY’S GETTING BORED HAVING SEX WITH YOU

20. After you request sex she replies, “Wait ’til the Nyquil kicks in.”

19. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.

18. Actually answers when you ask, “Who’s your daddy?”

17. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.

16. Only moans during commercial breaks.

15. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.

14. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.

13. Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York. (OUCH!)

12. You are currently sitting backstage at the Springer show.

11. Beginning to think she is only “playing” dead.

10. During the act, she actually yelled out, “Oh, Baby, Yadda, Yadda, Yadda.”

9. Has suddenly started making you pay in advance.

8. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a “wav” file.

7. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on, too.

6. Keeps asking “Are you SURE you’re not gay?”

5. Boredom? So THAT’S why she keeps deflating!!

4. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.

3. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook better.

2. She yells out her own name.

1. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.

A 7 year old boy and his brother were upstairs in the bedroom. The 7 year old was explaining that it was high time that the two begin swearing. When the little brother responded enthusiastically, the 7 year old hatched a plann, “When we go down stairs for breakfast this morning, I’ll say `Hell` and you say `Ass`. The 4 year old happily agreed.

As the two boys were seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walked in and asked her older son what he would like for breakfast. The 7 year old replied “Ah Hell, Mom, I’ll just have some Cheerios.”

“WHACK!” The surprised mother reacted quickly. The boy ran upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind.

With a sterner voice, the mother then turned to the younger son, “And what would You like for breakfast.”

“I don’t know,” the 4 year old blubbered, “but you can bet your ass it’s not gonna be Cheerios.”

A husband was coming out of anesthesia after a series of test
in a hospital.

His wife was sitting at his bedside, when his eyes fluttered
open and he murmured, “You’re beautiful.”

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil. Later the husband
woke up again and said, “You’re cute.”

“What happened to beautiful?” asked the wife.

“The drugs are wearing off,” the husband replied.

One day, a Newfie, a Quebecer and an Albertan were walking down the street when they came across an old lamp.

The Newfie picked it up and gave it a good rub. Lo and behold, out popped a genie.

The genie said, “I’ve been imprisoned in that lamp for 2000 years and since you have released me, I will give each of you one wish.”

The Newfie thought about it for a minute and said, “Well, my granfather was a fisherman, my father was a fisherman and I’m a fisherman. I wish that waters off the coast of Newfoundland would be filled with fish so that my children and my children’s children will always have something to fish.”

“POOF!” says the genie, “Your wish is granted.”

The Quebecer has plenty of time to think and he says, “I am a proud Quebecer and I would like to preserve ‘da heritage of my people for all eternity. I would like a wall built around Quebec so dat nobody can get in and nobody can get out.”

“POOF!” says the genie, “Your wish is granted.”

The Albertan, knowing that it’s his turn, says to the genie, “Tell me a little more about this wall around Quebec.”

The genie replies, “Well, it’s 150 feet high, 40 feet thick and it’s air tight so that no one can get in or out.”

“In that case,” says the Albertan, “fill the inside with water.”

During a performance for the high school drama class at the local theater, a hole was cracked in the stage floor.

Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.

He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theater shouted:

“Don’t worry, Freddy! It’s just a stage you’re going through!”

knock knock

who’s there

madam

madam who

ma dam foot’s stuck in the door!!!

hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!

The American Express Penis: Don’t leave home without it
The Beavis Penis: Look! It’s changing color!!
The Bounce Penis: With static-guard
The Budweiser Penis: This bud’s for you
The Burger King Penis: Have it your way
The Butter Finger Penis: Nobody better lay a finger on my penis!
The C&C Music Factory Penis: Makes you go Hmmm
The Chevy Truck Penis: Like a rock!
The Colgate Penis: Now that’s something to smile about OR The choice of today’s dentists!
The Crest Penis: Recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists
The Diet Coke Penis: Just for the taste of it
The Eggo Penis: Leggo my penis!
The Energizer Penis: Keeps going and going…
The Frosted Flakes Penis: They’re GGRREEAATT!
The Gillette Penis: The best a man can get
The Hamburger Helper Penis: Makes a great meal!
The KFC Penis: Finger licking good
The Lay’s Penis: Betcha can’t eat just one!
The Life Savers Penis: 5 fruity flavors!
The McDonald’s Penis: Over 8 billion served OR Have you had your break today!
The M&M Penis: Melts in your mouth, not your hand
The Maxwell House Penis: Good to the last drop
The Nike Penis: Just do it!
The Pringles Penis: Once you pop, you can’t stop!
The Secret Penis: Strong enough for a man, ph balanced for a woman.
The Subway Penis: Where fresh is the taste
The Tim Horton’s Penis: Always fresh!

After undergoing complicated brain surgery, Lena suddenly fell into a coma. The doctors tried very hard to resuscitate her but to no avail. As she lay unconscious in the intensive care unit, her husband Tom was ushered to her bedside.

One of the doctors said in a quiet somber voice, “She fell into a coma during the operation. I’m sorry but we did everything possible to revive her. The prognosis is not good. Unless she regains consciousness soon, we’re ruling out a quick recovery. It doesn’t look good I’m afraid.”

“Oh God,” said Tom in soft trembling voice as he gazed at his wife with pity and sadness and held her hand so tenderly. “I find this hard to accept. Lena’s so young to be this way. She’s only 45 years old, for Chrissakes.”

“37,” came the weak reply from Lena.