Jokes News

Today we took a poll to see how many women would sleep with the President.

10% said “no”
10% said “yes”
and the other 80% said “never again”

I was working in a wall street investment bank about 10 years ago when someone from the information technology group came by our office asking us to enter our passwords in the new sofware system.

My colleague, Barry, with his usual rebellious attitude, entered the password, “Penis.”

We nearly died laughing when the computer issued the following reply to his choice of passwords:

***PASSWORD REJECTED! TOO SHORT.***

In her book, “Monica’s Story”, Monica’s classmates used to call her “Big Mac.”

No wonder President Clinton kept insisting that he was not having sex with “that woman.” He was actually having lunch!

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. “Show the lady your finest languginous chinchilla coat!” the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, “Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.”

“No problem! I’ll write you a check!”

“Very good, sir.” says the shop owner. “Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared.” So the man and the woman leave.

On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: “How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn’t a single penny in your checking account!!”

“I know,” grinned the man. “I just had to come by to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!”

A tourist was passing through a small town one day. He went into a tavern to get a beer and he saw all the locals sitting around shouting out numbers and laughing.

He asked a man at the table next to him what was going on. The guy answered “We’ve been telling the same jokes over and over for years now, so for convenience we’ve numbered all our jokes. We simply yell out the number instead of telling the entire joke. It’s much easier that way.” It was now the man’s turn. “NUMBER 8!”

The crowd of people burst out in laughter as #8 was one of the more popular jokes here.

The tourist thought this looked like fun, so he decided he would try it. He shouted “NUMBER 9!”.

Silence. Nobody laughed. The tourist didn’t understand. “Why isn’t anybody laughing?” he whispered to the man next to him. “Is there not a joke #9?”

“Actually, #9 is very funny,” replied the man. “Unfortunately, some people just can’t tell a joke.”

Constipated People Don’t Give A Crap.

My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

If At First You Don’t Succeed…
Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren’t Happening To Me

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

The Face Is Familiar But I Can’t Quite Remember My Name

Illiterate? Write For Help

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

It’s Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now

I Haven’t Lost My Mind, It’s Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over
[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]

Ax Me About Ebonics

Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!

Don’t Be Sexist - Broads Hate That

Heart Attacks… God’s Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends

Honk If You’ve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down, Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Clinton died and went to heaven-or to be more accurate-approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared.

“Who goes there?” inquired St. Peter.

“It’s me, Bill Clinton”

“And what do you want?” asked St. Peter.

“Lemme in!” replied Clinton.

“Soooo,” pondered Peter. “What bad things did you do on earth?”

Clinton thought a bit and answered, “Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex — but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t really have ’sexual relations.’ And I lied, but I didn’t commit perjury.”

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, “OK, here’s the deal. We’ll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won’t call it ‘Hell.’ You’ll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won’t call it ‘eternity.’ And don’t ‘abandon all hope’ upon entering, just don’t hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.”

Why did the blonde jump off the bridge?

She thought maxi pads had wings!

Matt and Lennie’s Do’s and Don’t Do’s…

For Dating:

DO - Take pride in your apperance.

DON’T - Stick a 1988 Blue Jays pennent in your ear.

DO - Use cutlery.

DON’T - Use it to pick your teeth.

DO - Apply a nice fragrance.

DON’T - Apply a wrestling hold.

DO - Change your underwear beforehand.

DON’T - Ask to see theirs.

DO - Make jokes.

DON’T - Use jokes including the words: Gimp, Tits, Ass, or Fart.

DO - Tip the Waiter.

DON’T - Trip the Waiter into the dish-cart resulting in massive facial wounds.

DO - Select a romantic restaurant.

DON’T - Select “Fisherman Joe’s Belly Up”.

DO - Hold doors for your date.

DON’T - Hold them shut.

DO - Offer them your jacket if it’s cold outside.

DON’T - Wait until their not looking and slap them in the back of the head with a large frozen tuna.

DO - Tell them interesting stories.

DON’T - Tell them about the time that you and your two buddies threw eggs at the local fat man until he passed out.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY…

DO - Find a common interest.

DON’T - Throw your pants to the ground and proclaim, “Because they screwed the operation up, I got it for free!”

Thanks,
Matt & Lennie

Ten year old lil’ Johnnie rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.

She says, “Put that away, Johnnie. You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.”

Johnnie whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.”

Trying to placate him, she says, “OK. I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?”

“I wanna play Mommy and Daddy,” Johnnie whines in reply.

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?”

Johnnie says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if you’re taking a nap.”

Figuring that she can easily control the situation Mom goes
upstairs.

Johnnie, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet.

He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table.

He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises her head and says, “What do I do now?”

In a gruff manner, Johnnie says, “Get your ass downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”